Integrating Families: Where Is The Time For Your Relationship?

Posted on April 29th, 2008 by Guy Lewis

Having recently spent most of my conscious hours integrating two bunches of children, my own and my partners (they all live with us with occasional visits to their other parents) I have come to the conclusion that I have missed getting to know my partner better. We seem to spend so much time working through our children’s issues and making sure that their arguments are constructively concluded that we find little time for ourselves. It makes me feel bitter when I think of both of our ex-spouses who both ‘took the easy way out’ and left after having affairs. Their lives are focused on themselves and they are able to choose themselves, and their relationships over their own children.

Recently I took the unprecidented step of refusing to allow one of my children to see her mother on Saturday night.

My ex-wife purchased a shop when she left us and works in it with her new husband. She then takes the kids out on Sunday for the day and one sleeps over (she doesn’t normally have the facilities for more than one child whilst her husband is there. He is not that good with children)

But for once, I thought about my own needs. the previous week I spent a bit of time taxi-ing children to her house for a sleepover whilst her husband was away. But it seems to me all give and no take for me. I don’t get any weekends to myself, just during the day on Sunday. I don’t get any time other than that when I don’t have any children. There is never any time when I get away other than when my ex decides she wants the children because her husband is away or she has a family get together up country.

So I thought, no, Im not going to do it this weekend. It doesn’t fit with me to have to drop off, or be available for a pickup at a certain time of the day when she chooses to leave her work. It feels like its is all about her, which it was during our marriage but she expects it to continue. So, as much as I felt the guilt coming back that I felt during our marriage, I said no and suggested to her that she took a weekend off a month to be with the kids for a full weekend since the kids are bored by going around her house, perhaps they could really get on and do something more bonding.

I digress. What can you do when you are spending so much time with children and there is so little left for your own relationship?

Wait patently for the day when they are more independent?
Break up?
Take your ex to court asking for more time? would that really work?

Well one way to get over this is to go away with the children, get out and do some activities that gives you all a sense of enjoyment where you can develop your relationship whilst the children are active and enjoying their surroundings rather than focusing on, “Who’s Bratz doll is that?” or “Can I borrow your black mascara?”

So that’s it. We are off this spring for some weekends away camping.

Sod the ex’s they will be there for the children when we return. Nothing will have changed.