©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Yet I feel now there are contradictions, maybe exceptions.

I broke up with someone a few years ago and felt I was able to offer a friendship to that person. There was a lot we still had in common. It was hard for both of us for a while and I certainly needed a break but kept on believing that there was always good reason for creating friendships.

Whilst maintaining this friendship I came quite suddenly into a new relationship that felt great and looked to me to have the potential for being a permanent relationship and the one I had been looking for. I felt it was right to let my friend know about this but since we both lead busy lives we were not able to meet for weeks on end, both canceling a coffee catch up opportunity.

My friend was initially positive yet over a short time I felt a change in the person and decided that the intensity of the messages I was getting was probably as good an indication as anyone would get to let me know she had not really got over me & was experiencing quite a bit of emotion about my change in circumstances. I had always wanted to maintain her friendship whilst having my new friendship but now felt this was really impracticable & begun to worry how she would behave when meeting the new person in my life. This was hard for me to acknowledge at first, that I had such an impact on someone but accept it I had to. It felt to me that I had made a mistake in trying to still be friends with the person. Maybe I should have broken all contact with her, for her sake at least, so that she may have been able to move on far quicker than had I been in such regular contact. I took that as a learning and full responsibility for this. Maybe it was right to break all contact swiftly and leave someone’s life so terminally. It wasn’t something I was that used to but I had to accept this was less about friendship and more about the movements of love itself & drew me to face my own feelings about accepting someone could actually love me.

A while ago, I bumped into someone I rarely see in my home town who said a few things that confirmed an extra level to this situation. The lady I had broken up with had been speaking negatively about me to her friends. I took this information with some caution until I had it confirmed again. Quite bitter and derogatory, she clearly had been saying different things to her friends than she had to me. To me she presented her values of friendship and integrity yet to her friends she was angry and accused me of very uncharacteristic behavior. I reflected and took this as an affect of the torment of the situation for the lady, feeling that little was acknowledged of how she still, really felt a lot for me, and I had constantly refused to accept the signs of this.

So my learning from this is that friendships from past relationships will probably only ever work if there has been enough time for the individuals concerned to naturally change their feelings for each other. Changing one’s feelings of course is not something we really have much choice over. We can rationalize to some degree, that may help, but realistically, it has to be time and a change of lifestyle that is going to help us move ourselves on.

©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Anyway, after I picked myself up and dusted myself down it is now time to move forward to create the reality that I want to have with my list of dreams I intend to turn into reality. Remaining sane and with a good sense of who I am, and how to have a successful nurtured relationship that fulfills both people, I move forward, trying on a daily basis not to look back.

Mearly existing is a fall back that is a bad place to be, but, can easily happen, especially in the dark days of winter. However, for survival’s sake (and with a little help with banging my head against a wall on occasions) I do move forward whilst making sense of the madness of the latter days of this summer.

This article at:
Dum Little Man is a great pick me up and I hope, if you are in the same boat as I, you can take some inspiration from it.

Additionally, another quite useful article about the strength of being single is located at: Yahoo Match.com reminds us not to go jumping into a relationship before sorting yourself out properly for the benefit of your own self and stability, but for the benefit of those you will attempt to connect with in the future, and of course, the success of those attempts as well.

Best of luck!!

©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Now I sit here as a single person again I am reflecting on that vision. I decided that what I felt inside was a strong sense to be independent and be single myself. Not to flounce around dating everyone in site but to be free from deeper relationships. Maybe I will learn more about myself this way too. Im not sure I am cut out for deeper relationships and sometimes think about the things about me that lead me to that conclusion.

I think, again, to some degree, there is an identity development going on for me. Does it ever stop?

©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Of course this is impossible, I wouldn’t touch my ex with a barge pole so that is irrelevant. But my point is, after four years of separation, I still feel an immense loss of the family unit for my children.

My youngest is almost at an age where her years in a separated family are more than that whilst her mother was around. I can never forgive what she did to their young lives, yet accept if people don’t want to be together, its a very sorry situation but can be for the best.

I just wish I could create for them a childhood that they can look back on and not feel like they were torn between two different collections of photo albums.

©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Rhonda Leigh Jones wrote an impressive article on what to consider when understanding what you want form a relationship that left me wondering what else needs to be considered at midlife.

I felt it is quite complete and compared it to my own relationship and feelings too.

I think, for anyone who has got to midlife it should be more clear what you really want from a relationship because by then you will have probably had a few and broken up a few.

Perhaps by now you think to yourself you don’t actually want a relationship, or that you only want a relationship that is far less committed, and more of an open friend like relationship that is not complicated by the issues of a more serious one, such as, cohabiting, commitments to domestic chores or changing your ways to accommodate someone else’s needs.

For people entering what ever relationship they want in midlife there is something else to consider in a relationship that is not covered by Rhonda’s article.

Its the baggage we all have by then. By baggage I mean we have a history. Some good, some not so good. A divorce or two might need explaining, a financial crisis, an illness, a few children across the world maybe?

It is important that we offer our history to our potential partners if we want to create a genuine and serious relationship with someone. For every piece of us we hide leaves a dark part of us that we are choosing never to offer to them. The more of these we have the less we offer ourselves to our partners.

Likewise, we need to consider what we are prepared to take on of someone else’s history. How much of that history affects your day to day living with someone? A past drug addiction that might come back some day perhaps?

This reminds me of that great film staring Ben Stiller, The Heartbreak Kid where, over time Ben’s character realizes he has jumped into a relationship way to early and that there was a lot more to his new bride that initially met the eye.

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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

But how much should we accept we need to do? How much did you give in your relationship? Did you give too much? did you accept too little from your partner.

Michael Lankton of Connected Internet speaks of this in his article, “Marriage And I’s Effect On Technology And The Internet”.

It inspired me to think a little about this because of its risk of getting it wrong with the risk that you end up in a narcissistic relationship where your partner has refused to compromise any on their single lifestyle, whilst at the other end of the spectrum a person may decide to loose all connection with their previous lifestyle and risk loosing the essence of who they are and thus their own personality in the process, only to find it again when the relationship breaks down.

Whilst at one end we have the narcissist who will refuse to compromise on their lifestyle to omit another into their life, there are others who have a weak enough character that they will create a new lifestyle around their partner, loosing any essence of who they were, loosing their identity because there was little substance to it in the first place.

Do you see something here that is similar to your situation or your past? Are you clear and determined not to let it happen to you again ?

©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

It suddenly dawned on me today. I set up an email account for my eldest daughter a few years ago which was used occasionally and all the email came from both sides of the family to her that way. No problem you would think. Wrong. For my ex-wife’s perspective this was a reason to feel projectionist about our daughter again. Previously my ex wife had contacted and insisted that all presents and birthday cards would come to her house for each of our children even though the children lived with me. It didn’t seem to bother the kids although I feel the beginnings of them trying to deal with the approval of their mother and the loyalty that comes with it. My ex wife was really harsh with her sister about it, a lady who has seen enough of issues between parents and the affect on children to know best to keep the children out of your own squabbles.

Anyway, today i realised that my ex wife has now set up an email account for my daughter that she asked all her family to send messages to for her instead of her original one.

If there a message in this for us all?

Well the one I can think about is to try really hard not to make your issues become your children’s.

If you feel guilty about the breakup of your marriage and the affect it has on your children think again about the ongoing approval and conditional love messages you may be giving them, and the damage this causes children at a time of great influence as they develop.

Then look up narcisssism.

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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

The answer to this is, yes, of course it is. When someone is deliberately hiding their cheating from you, or floating it in front of their partner it is emotional abuse. The adulterer is only thinking of themselves and are denying or not caring about the effect of their actions has on others, and in particular their partner.

If this is not clear enough lets talk about some basic respect here. We (most of us luckily) live in societies where we can expect to walk down a road and not be attacked. We can go about our normal business with the expectation that those we come across will under normal circumstances will respect us, as we would do for them.

So, even though someone who is having an affair may consider it a small issue so that they can deny the effect and significance of their abuse and go about their infidelity but they are fundamentally dis-respecting their partner.

If their partner knew about their infidelity then they would have a choice as what to do for themselves. If they already know then at least they have a chance to put some respect in themselves and make arrangements to try to sort out their relationship by getting some relationship advice, or if this doesn’t work, seek legal advice for divorce.

Don’t let anyone suggest to you infidelity is anything less than abuse of you and the internationally accepted terms of a fair relationship between two individuals.

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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Are you Divorced Yet? If So, Have You Ever Fully Separated?

So many times I hear of people who have divorced only to find that at least one (in some cased both) partys are still very reliant on each other. Sure if this is a mutually agreeable situation then why not? However, if you do still offer a shoulder to lean on sometimes, consider how this will be taken by anyone you wish to attract. How will they feel if the ex still pops around and calls up when they are feeling down and in need of support?

I know of couples who have broken up badly yet one of them still needs support. Narcissistic in nature, someone who has had an affair may actually never get to understand you don’t want to be with him or her, and for years carry on being a nuisance in your life. They may spend time pressuring you to still do things for them, odd things like iron their shirt, pick up and drop the kids at their place. Little things like that make them feel they are in control still.

However they will only be a nuisance whilst you let them. So work hard to cut the ties, think about yourself, how do the arrangements fit with you? Recently my ex partner asked to have two of our children to stay over on Saturday night. Simple enough but I needed to consider how that would effect my day and my partner’s day.

You see, my somewhat narcissistic ex partner will need to have the children available to her once she has finished working, no earlier, and no later. If it is much later then she chooses not to bother. This means we have to be around at the right time and the right place or she won’t take the kids.

Like many people with a narcissistic personality disorder their narcissism was not clear to their partner until they grew to know them as an ex-partner. Like many narcissistic individuals she would be making efforts to tell our children that I have been awkward and that she has only been interested in seeing them.

This then needs me to help work through the children’s feelings when they return with issues around what mummy has said about daddy. As a survivor of narcissism you sort of get used to it and have to do a bit of mending but it can be hard sometimes not to be so honest with your children in these cases.

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Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post your comment below.

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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Dealing With Your Own Infidelity

We are not all perfect, we make mistakes. Discoveraid is not just about helping people to deal with their partner’s midlife crisis, their depression or their infidelity, its about helping those who also have these issues try to deal with them too.

Seeking out new relationships is a call to be free, it’s a call of desire, the excitement of a new relationship, something tabu, something that makes you feel great and wanted again when your own relationship has lost its meaning. Maybe for you, its a call to be young again or complete those things that you didn’t achieve when you were younger and less experienced.

Infidelity can also be about abandoning all that you have and the burden of responsibilities that may come with them, in favour of someone else that meets your needs, as you see them today. Who knows if this relationship is going to last or not, you are drawn into it like a drug and now is not the time to know how long it will last, its time to enjoy it and forget about the future and forget about the consequences to anyone else.

But like any merry-go-round, you have to accept there is a time to get off and address reality and day to day living with how this affects all those around you . If you are still in a marriage you will have some arranging to do and some explaining. At some time although you will possibly want to avoid this.

So Is This OK? Can I Do This And Feel My Reasons Are Understood?

If is understandable but it isn’t a good place to be. Eventually your world will crash around you and all those who care for you will be very hurt. If hurting others doesn’t bother you, or you feel they deserve it, then I guess you are ok. For now. However you might grow to regret your treatment of others who cared for you later in life.

Take some time to consider your own honour. A marriage is about two people’s trust and integrity to live together for the harmony of both. If that is not what you have experienced then you will be more motivated than most to look elsewhere for a relationship. Either way you have a choice about how to deal with your marriage or relationship you have today and how you deal with it will be seen by those who want to be with you as a sign of how they will be treated. Just because you have not been treated with honour doesn’t mean you need to choose a dishonourable way to finish your relationship. You do have a choice.

Typically people who have had an affair and are looking to break up their existing relationship do a number of things. They either present to their partner disillusionment about the relationship with the intent to gradually break-up with no intention of trying to make up and resolve any issues. In this way they can hide (or so they think) the other relationship they have been having until a time when their relationship is finished and then announce the ‘new’ relationship. I know a few who have tried this and typically it fails abysmally. It is almost an insult to try this because it is so obvious. Don’t try it. Be honest. Be clear to your partner unless they are violent or abusive themselves. If they are you have every reason to hide your feelings and you should focus on removing yourself from your relationship as soon as you can. But consider that you shouldn’t be looking for the weight of another relationship to get you away, that will, in many circumstances be too much for your new partner and ultimately break the new relationship too. Consider getting yourself good counselling support that will raise your self-esteem so that you can feel confident enough to break-up without seeking a refuge first.

Others don’t even try to break up. They continue living with their partner because they enjoy the comfort their partner brings in terms of home life and financial security. They open themselves up to being found out and the consequences of that can be quite dramatic as you may well imagine.

Both the above ways show no honour or respect for anyone else affected by their infidelity. Both are selfish and show a raised level of narcissism within their behaviour.

Its hard once a person is intoxicated by the thrill of a new love (if love has anything to do with it) to consider others, and to consider the hard choices of life or even to attempt to do the right thing because of the destruction that will cause to them selves.

Walk away from the relationship with honour and your integrity intact. This way you will not think back in say twenty years time and think how you let everyone down, how you failed your children, how you failed your husband or wife who didn’t really deserve being treated that way, as much as you will be able to bring up so many good reasons why they deserved it.

Choose to break up your relationship the way you feel is the best for all. Be clear about your plans before you announce your intentions and then clearly announce them. Don’t consider another relationship seriously until you have broken up and cut all the threads of your previous relationship, there will be much to undo and if left, or too early, will affect any incoming relationship negatively.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Is Your Partner Suffering From A Midlife Crisis, Or Is There Infidelity Involved? Part Three

Part Two of Three is here

Back in Part Two we asked what can you do about your partner’s situation? It maybe OK to find out the truth, what to do with it is another matter.

Well, some seek out proof using video cameras and private detectives. Maybe you don’t want to take things this far.

Perhaps in that case you might want to sit your partner down and explain clearly the difference in them by comparing recent behaviour with past behaviour.

In this way you avoid confronting them on what is really happening and discuss the evidence that is clear.

It will be a good time to be assertive and stand firm by looking after yourself. You may be looking at a person who you thought you knew who has recently (maybe temporarily) changed their priorities in life.

Put a priority on explaining what you will stand for and what you find unacceptable. Don’t major on explaining your own feelings.

Your own feelings may anger them, they may see that as you suppressing them or trying to make them feel guilty for their current behaviour.

I believe it is fine to tell them you love them (if you do) but avoid showing an emotional weakness for now. Avoid also acting like a parent. Just be clear about what you want from a relationship and what you don’t want.

Tell them you want to review how things are going in a few weeks time but explain very clearly what you want from a relationship and what you don’t..

Your partner may reject and be angry at your assertion. But after a few days may start to realise you have needs too. They might have ‘forgotten’ you have needs by being so consumed by their own issues and needs.

Be clear about what you want from life and from a relationship. I see many people who’s partner’s midlife crisis becomes a need for them to review and understand clearly what they want from life and for the future as well, which is not such a bad thing for anyone really.

Separate yourself from the person for a while and think about what it is that you want from life. Clearly loosing a partner, which may ultimately be what is going to happen to you, will be a great loss but consider living with a partner who you love but who doesn’t love you and abuses the situation.

The person you have woken up with every morning for many years maybe a person you don’t know anymore and that isn’t part of your future.

Part One of Three is here.

Find out what you need to do if you decide that you want to save your relationship after you have found your partner is having an affiar here.

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Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Is Your Partner Suffering From A Midlife Crisis, Or Is There Infidelity Involved? Part Two

Back in Part One we started to wonder what is the difference between a person who is trying to deal with self-doubt and low self-esteem as part of a midlife crisis, or someone who is engaged in infidelity as part of a midlife crisis ?

Take a look at the following table to see how confusing this is. I’m sure if you are reading this today you are familiar at least to some of these.

This table shows how the same action by your partner can be seen as infidelity or a more honest result of a midlife crisis without infidelity. So how can you really know which way your partner is playing?

Well, someone who is in a soul searching midlife crisis will more likely be looking to talk to you, and to friends about how they feel. Sure, there are lots of people out there who don’t know how to openly express themselves. But there’s more. Their change in behaviour will probably be around a change of clothing style and not necessarily to attract, but to feel younger, or accept their ageing identity and look stylish but embrace their age. They will probably be drawn into and be consumed by an activity that takes them away from the family more when they are not at work (for example, golf, scuba diving or other social sport).

Conversely a person who is seeking out short term or an alternative relationship without being honest about it will be reducing their weight, dressing to attract and, most noticeably, will be absent more and more from the home, working late and staying with friends more often. On questioning them they will be evasive if you dig too deep, become argumentative and defensive if their stories do not add up and turn the blame or self-doubt onto you.

Keep an eye on them. If there are not willing to share their thoughts… secrets.. then you will need to keep a close eye on them and eventually you will see some more helpful evidence that will secure you with knowledge and help you understand what you need to do to protect yourself if required.

You might drop into the golf club only to find they are not there today but when questioned when they return home their excuse seems to be quickly thought up on the spot so that when you dig their only way out is to argue and confront you with why are you questioning to push you into backing down.

They will spend more time on their phone and on the Internet perhaps. They will delete their phone text messages immediately, they will keep their Internet activities protected.

What can you do about your partner’s situation?

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Part three of three is here.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Is Your Partner Suffering From A Midlife Crisis, Or Is There Infidelity Involved?

You could divide midlife crisis’ into two types; a midlife crisis with infidelity or a midlife crisis without infidelity. The difference is hard to work out but the implications to you as a partner to someone who its not clear which is applicable is considerable.

I am amazed at how many people are currently consumed by the turmoil around their partner’s issues. On a day to day basis there are many out there looking for help to the ambiguity that confronts them. Their partner becomes distant and when asked what is wrong they speak of feeling confused and make statements such as, “I love you but I don’t love you” which only makes things more confusing. Each time they are confronted and asked more,  the logic of what is going on becomes more unclear. Eventually it feels like time to ask more direct questions such as, “are you having an affair?” which tends only to result in anger as a form of defence.

So how do you know what is happening? Its not easy because its hard to know if they are trying to deal with things in their life they can not avoid anymore, some self-esteem issues and other classic symptoms of a midlife crisis such as loosing one’s youth, a dip in a career, a long lost regret of an life-time’s opportunity. Yet these all could be a mask for something else.

Perhaps their midlife crisis has triggered a need to seek out excitement in relationships and are finding the excitement of this intoxicating. Perhaps the relationships they are exploring are of a recreational need within them and so are not being taken seriously enough to want to break up their marriage or family. Or maybe they are feeling particularly narcissistic and want to avoid the personal turmoil this will cause to their life, the lost of the family home and the need to find a new home and perhaps even a need to financially support themselves.

If you consider a midlife crisis is very much about a low self-esteem, self doubt and depression then its no wonder that many are inspired or drawn one night stands and extra-marital affairs for the lift in their self-esteem and a quick injection of happiness to sooth the depression. Many people who feel depressed (in mood rather than clinical) will look for immediate fixes for their feelings as they are trying to deal with the present irrespective of the cost to the future.

Considering also that a person with a midlife crisis is particularly consumed by their own issues, then narcissism is particularly strong in their personality today. This can mean they will be looking to feed their own needs irrespective of the cost and pain to anyone else, perhaps even making an excuse that their issues are all because of their partner as a way to resolve the conflict they feel between feeling guilty about their actions and feeling that they need to do put themselves first. For many in this situation its an easy excuse to make. Too easy.

But it doesn’t mean you have to accept the blame. By distancing themselves from you or even rejecting you, you might be particularly vulnerable and shocked at what your partner will say. It might take you a while to work through what has been said and often people will sadly take the blame for their partner’s actions.

Getting back to the point of this article, this blaming may be part of a mask for their actions. So how can you tell? What is the difference between a person who is trying to deal with self-doubt and low self-esteem as part of a midlife crisis, or someone who is engaged in infidelity?

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

Part two of three is here: http://www.discoveraid.com/mid-life-crisis/midlife-crisis-or-infidelity-part-2.html

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Midlife Crisis & Relationship Advice: Documented Postings Number 3

Your Partner Is Cruising With No Respect For You

Sometimes, some people go so far off the rails they will actively seek out new relationships or ‘flings’ fully aware that you know. They may even talk to you about their infidelity, maybe even brag about it.

Your partner may be treating you and your family with little but that doesn’t mean you cant treat yourself with no respect either. Your self-esteem has probably plummeted since witnessing this and so you are weak and maybe don’t know what to do. Take some time to clear your mind. Think about your own self and not about wondering if your love will return and make everything perfect again.

Take control from them. Think about your own respect.

How dare he/she? Who do they think they are? Have they no respect for you? If they have lost it that much its time to get them out of the house, away from you and your children if you have any. Its not helpful for anyone to live under those conditions and it may get to dangerous levels if emotions get higher. Protect yourself and your family by getting the person out, or (subject to legal advice) move our temporarily yourself.

They may try to blame you for their own failures but don’t listen.

Take some time out with your children. Go spend some weekends away where you can think about yourself and your children rather than spending your time worrying about someone who is spending their time looking for someone else.

What is it you really want to do with the rest of your life? There is so much life out there to experience, so many wonderful things and adventures to have. And they are all there for your taking. Why sit around waiting for someone to pop back in your life and say, “ok I’m back, for a bit” Why on earth would you waste your life with someone who does not respect you or your family?

You must believe that there are many other people out there whom you deserve to be with and who deserve a person like you. You have got to believe you deserve better than having to deal with a person who is treating you like that, for whatever reason that has lead them to that point.

Consider the future if they did return to you and you accepted their apologies. Nothing would be the same again. You need to take control and make sure that any effort to return is on your conditions and if they are not met, you are not meant to be.

Look after yourself and your family. A person who is willing to separate themselves from your love and your families needs sympathy & help from professionals but not necessarily your love and your unconditional support.

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Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

In your midlife crisis are you the victim? Where you have discovered someone else’s infidelity, are you the victim?

Ive put some thoughts down here to try to make you think about this because its not always clear who is the victim, and if in fact it really matters. Even more importantly, labelling someone a victim can be counterproductive to them. Being a victim may feel justified when you have been cheated but it wont help you move on with your life.

Being a victim is the beginning of a sad slope down to a delusional state where you deny all responsibility for the bad things that have happened to you, blaming everyone else and denying any involvement yourself.

Being a victim is great for narcissists since they can use it to get others to do things for them, look after them and ultimately abuse others for their own cause. Loosing the label of a victim can mean you have to get on and take control of your life and sort it out. Something that some individuals don’t want to do.

Imagine for years feeling bitter about your partner’s relationship and never being able to move on with other relationships because they fail due to your anger and labelling as a victim. Playing the victim means you need others to look after you. You need a knight in shining armour to rescue you and take you away from the dark horrible things that have happened to you. But by doing so you are not acknowledging the contribution you may have made to the breakdown, and also you are loosing control of your own life.

Who is the victim in a marriage breakup is sometimes about ‘who’s side you are on’ when it comes to a marriage breakup. “Of course the other party is to blame for my child’s infidelity, she was driven to it through years of his funny ways.”

Consider also this: a lady who had an affair and left the family home to be with her new man, leaving the children with her estranged husband. The children felt so sorry for the mother because she had to (chose) live in a half renovated house.

Consider also the man who had countless affairs because he was so unhappy in his own marriage & looked to counselling for positive regard and collusion with his feeling of being a victim.

To be a victim you have to be free of any contribution to your situation. Then again, if you never contributed to your situation then you are not taking control of your life & your relationship.

If you have found your partner is having an affair then the above is not easy to digest. Of course your partner is to blame, and you are the victim. You didn’t deserve this, you didn’t ask for it or provoke it. You feel abused and traumatised by what has happened. Yes, you are the victim. But how long are you going to stay the victim before getting yourself up and taking control of your life? Your estranged partner has taken control from you by committing adultery, now its time for you to take that control back.

If you are in control then you are responding positively to the situation. Being a victim is a passive state that leaves you nowhere positively. As I have described above it can give you some control over others but it isnt going to get you riding high on life’s wave.

Take some time to wonder why your estranged partner was inclined to do it. What is missing from your relationship or from their personalities? It easy to blame the adulterer for their infidelity and their weak character, but consider why are they so weak in the first place. What sort of up bringing prepared them for a nurturing relationship? Are they themselves the victim of their parent’s own break up, now manifesting itself in their inability to commit to another on a permanent basis because of fear of rejection and abandonment

With relationships as always it’s a double-edged sword because there maybe never enough you can do for your partner in the relationship. If so, you have to acknowledge this and decide what to do to get out of the relationship and find a new one (if you want to try again) that fits with your needs.

By taking control and realising that you weren’t the right person for your partner, because you cannot achieve mutual happiness, you are acknowledging that your relationship is flawed because of both of you. Your needs don’t match your partners. Perhaps only by being in a relationship with someone do you ever realise that the relationship does not work. But at least you have tried, for by not trying you would have never known. And now that you are acknowledging this, you are moving on constructively rather that sitting playing the role of the victim.

When infidelity happens, blame on the adulterer occurs straight away and the abused other partner is seen as the victim. It is natural for the abused partner to look for sympathy and accept the victim label given to them by others. However it does not help you move forward, it only labels you and keeps you in a place of loss and failure.

Don’t be a victim of Infidelity, be a survivor of infidelity. Forget the past, don’t let it drag your future down.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your midlife crisis? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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Relationships at Blog-City wrote an article about marriage being slavery. Its an interesting article since it discusses the more negative side to relationships.

©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Midlife Crisis & Relationship Advice: Documented Postings Number 2

How Can Someone Leave & Reject Their Family ?

How can a person going through a person going through a midlife crisis simply up and walk away from a family? Well in my opinion a person that does this is in a very troubled state.

They probably have denied their real selves and haven’t been honest with you, anyone and even themselves. So it all boils up and when the volcano erupts they go off the rails. Some come back.

It’s a sad situation for the real victims of a situation like this, the children. Trouble is, I think a lot of people going through a midlife crisis ‘s think they are the victims, or if not, want to make it out that they are the victims.

But lets be pragmatic about this. If a person going through a midlife crisis decides they don’t want to be associated or connected to their children, as hard as that is for the children then it is certainly something you need to try to keep that way because, by definition, they aren’t going to be good parents to them if they ever have contact are they? This is certainly my experience.

In fact they can be very destructive since they will be flowing with narcissism probably and will use the children to get at you or use them for their own purposes.

I know of one who puts photos up of himself with his kids on dating sites to make it look like he is a doting father, yet he told his wife, in front of them he never wanted the children and it was all her doing.

There’s only one word that is best used for people like that; therapy… and lots of it. (OK that was…five)

Even if we ‘expect’ an adult to be responsible about their family commitments we unfortunately cant expect everyone to have the strength of character to follow through on this.

Like I said briefly above, in my opinion there is a darwinian / natural thing going on here. If a person cannot deal with fathering or mothering their own children then it is best for the children (albeit hard and upsetting and affecting) for them to leave and not be involved.

Surely by the fact that that is how they feel they wont be good parents to the children and make matters worse.

The worse situation is where a parent insists on access to children when they are disruptive. That is, in my opinion, less favourable and more destructive to a child.

With the absent parent really absent at least you have a chance to bring good male or female role models into your child’s life. I think that is very significant for a child.

My partner’s children are affected by the behaviour of their absent father. Very affected. Apparently I’m a pretty reasonable role model but the youngest has a great male teacher at school that praises her when she does well and encourages her when she is feeling unconfident.

I’m sure that man will be someone who she uses in later life to compare to males for her own selection which is so much more use to her than her damaged father.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Ten Do’s And Don’ts Of Managing Children After Your Divorce

One: Make sure you do not overcompensate for the situation your children are in. You probably will feel guilty about the break-up of the relationship even if you chose to break-up for the right reasons.

You will feel sorry for your kids when they are upset and missing the other parent. You might want to lavish them with presents, and give them what ever they ask for to keep them happy.

This maybe ok once in a while but you risk a habit forming situation that will spiral into a child that is spoil and eventually becomes narcissistic. This is how narcissism can develop in children.

Two: Don’t make your children feel guilty about going to see their other parent. They have a right to choose when and if they want to see their other parent and it is likely they will want to.

Think about the child’s needs as opposed to your revulsion that anyone would want to be with your ex-partner. Its different for children. Children need their mum and dad don’t forget.

Three: Never knock the other parent down. Don’t get into a discussion with your child and put your ex-partner down. Keep it cool and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Kids need a good mum and dad and whilst you can try to keep your child from thinking that you have a balanced well adjusted child. If you decide to knock your ex-partner down you will start a war where the children are the cannon fodder in the middle.

Likewise never get into knocking your ex-partner’s new partner down either.

Three: Don’t dump your emotions on them. You are an adult.

You may feel and at times act like a child because of the events that have occurred, you may be the one sitting in a bed-sit or a hotel somewhere wondering how you are going to rebuild your life but if you dump your feelings and emotions on your child it makes the whole experience far harder for them and it will adversely affect their lives; their schooling, their friendships, their feeling of self-worth.

If it continues through a child’s developing years (i.e. every year for a child is a developing year!) you will affect their developing personality and you may be responsible for making your child have mental health problems.

Someone I knew had a hard upbringing with issues between parents and became a neurotic anxiety driven person for all her life. Her sister was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder .. (additional resources here) .Think about what you are doing, don’t dump on your children.

Four: Don’t look to your children to side with you against your ex-partner. It’s not their war. Look elsewhere for allies. You maybe forgiven for being off the rails and upset enough to share this with your kids early on but not for long.

Keep it up and you will create the same issues as described above. Children who are suicidal are commonly from backgrounds where the parents have split but the ongoing aftermath is even more torturous.

You should avoid feeling the need to look for any signs of loyalty. I know it’s hard, children may have a predominance for one parent over another for natural reasons. Don’t turn this into a fight for loyalty even if your ex-partner doesn’t deserve their love. That’s for them to work out and they will work it out if its real when they are older.

Five: Don’t get dragged into a fight. You kid may come home and say that mum said you were an idiot or something else that undermines you. You need to keep it cool and get in contact with your ex-partner straight away to clarify exactly what was said.

It may be your child has not heard correctly something that was said and is telling you through loyalty.

IF you are not careful you might end up in a fight for no reason. Be careful about what you say in front of the children about adult subjects in general as well as subjects relating to your ex-partner.

Your children may look engrossed in their painting on the kitchen table but they might be sucking up all that is being said, to then digest later on. This could upset them and also be relayed to your ex-partner.

Six: Be careful about responding to what the children say. They may be using you to punish the other parent for some injustice dished out to them recently. Kids play each parent off against each other.

If one wont let them have another ear piercing then they will go to the other parent. If the other parent wants to start a fight or is a little less careless about managing manipulation then you have a child who knows how to play you off against each other to get their own way.

The child gets in control and over time you risk anarchy in your own home as the child becomes to believe they can get away with almost anything

Seven: Don’t speak for your ex-partner. Let them speak. Tell your kids that you both love them very much, sure, but keep it simple and don’t elaborate. Your words may come back to bite you.

If you say too much about your ex-partner, if this is innocently told to them by your children you might be provoking a fight where the children are used are pawns.

Additionally, the more you try to convince your child that their other parent does love them, even though they never see them, even though they have walked away from them and disowned them, even if they are now starting a new family and don’t even bother to remember their birthdays or send them gifts at celebration times.

You see? Whilst you are trying to hold them together, at worse, the absent parent is moving in the opposite direction

Eight: Focus on developing sound and secure boundaries within your and their home. Make sure they understand they are welcome always in your house even if it isn’t their official home.

Make sure that they understand the rules of behaviour of your house and that this may be different to the rules in the other house they live in.

Nine: Make sure when the children are living with you that you find time for them. You spend time doing activities with them and that they are not just left to do what ever they want in the background as you continue your life.

I understand you will be juggling work and home life, especially when it comes to school holidays. But if you plan ahead and organise some days out and some days where friends can come over you will be able to keep them active and without reasonable excuse to moan.

Ten: Mobile Phones Off! Make sure that you allow your child to keep in touch with their other parent but make sure the mobile phone is not used as a way to undermine your time with them.

Get them to leave it at home when you go on a trip so that you can enjoy the trip with your child. Conversely when they go away with their other parent, don’t keep on hassling them via the phone, make sure they have quality time with their other parent too.

If they go on holiday, ask for a post card, not a call each day in the evening for example.

This is controlling and it will make the children find contacting you a chore or loyalty rather than something they want to do. Think about where this need comes from within you and then think about what is best for your child.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Children Of Divorce Still Need Their Mum And Their Dad

It may not be obvious to all, (and this isn’t meant to be derogatory to those that don’t realise this or are too into their own break-up to have thought this through):

Children need their mum and their dad.

You are excused from missing this point if you are mixed up in the worst break-up experience of your life. I understand because I was. I had so much upset and anger at my ex that I just wanted to take my children away and go live somewhere else.

The bottom had dropped out of my life and I was in pieces. I couldn’t think of anything else but what had happened and the disbelief that surrounded this. It is understandable whilst adults are in this situation feeling this, which they would consider running away with their children. However, for the children it will increase the trauma.

Unless something pretty horrible has happened between a child and a parent a child will always want to be with their mum and dad. They will be traumatised by the split up of their parents although may actually be feeling better in a house that doesn’t involve heated (or worse) arguments.

Children will try to keep hold of the two most important people in their lives and now that they are sitting in different houses, possibly miles apart they are feeling split between you both. Don’t make it harder for them than it needs to be. Think of the happiness of your children and help them keep you both as close to them as they need.

They might try to get you back together again, they might ask if you both will taken them on holiday. As hard as it is for you, and for your children they do need to understand the permanence of the situation. This, although upsetting will enable them to work through it and move on rather than languish wondering if things may change and dad or mum make come back to the house.

Your situation may not be that simple of course. You might find yourself in a situation where you don’t actually know if your partner is returning or not. However you need to get as much control of the situation as you can, for your children’s sake as well as for your own.

If is not fair for a parent to create an insecure situation such as this and the sooner it is clear, which ever way it goes, the better for all.

They will probably miss the absent parent and fantasise about their mum and dad getting back together again and having happy times again before mum and dad started arguing.

You must have heard of the saying that children heal. It is complete rubbish and is an ignorant saying. What actually happens is that the child absorbs the trauma and builds their personality around it, like scar tissue. It will in some way affect their future lives and their future relationships.

One more obvious example of this was someone I knew who put everything into keeping her marriage together for the sake of the children because she was brought up by her mother herself and felt very alone throughout her childhood culminating in a suicide attempt when she was 18.

Her husband was having an affair and at one time made her and his mistress pregnant at the same time. Twenty five years on, in her time of need when she had cancer he had another affair and spent the next four years moving between wife and mistress.

Yet she still hoped for it all to end and let him continue to take control until the day she finally threw him out.

Kids get fed up with parents bickering, they get affected by the issues if they are drawn into them by selfish thinking parents. They get fed up with being transported from one house to another. Research tells us that kids are left less scarred if they can call one house home and that is where they spend the majority of their time.

Being split exactly equal between two houses is only ok for the parents and has nothing to do with how the kids feel most of the time. However kids will always be feeling bad about loyalty to each parent, and it gets worse when some selfish parents try to put their own emotions onto them. They get very upset.

I asked my youngest the other day, “would you like to spend the night before your birthday with mum?” her response was to burst out crying and eventually say, “ I don’t know, I love you both the same amount” Clearly she had been drawn into some loyalty issue which I sure is nothing I have done (although if I find out I will ensure I make corrections).

However she was feeling terrible about having to make a choice between mum and dad.

I am aware that mum does put some emotion into her relationship with our children. She tells them of her financial crisis and that she can-not pay maintenance to dad.

She tells one of my daughters not to use the phone she pays for to call or text my partner (more than likely because with a new woman in the house she is feeling threatened by her presence and, since she will feel some degree of failure as a mum because she left the family home to live with another man this will make it worse).

When one of my children doesn’t want to visit mum on their regular Sunday meeting with mum she makes them feel guilty by rejecting them. Essentially what she is doing is offering love conditionally which obviously makes any child feel terribly sad and possibly try harder to please them.

If the parent is overly narcissistic they will pick up on this and use this again and again to get the lavishings of love and presents that a narcissist needs continuously and copiously.

In this particular case the best way to help your child is to tell them you have made the decision for them. Also tell them that it is fine for them to choose whoever they want to be with, it is up to them and it is not a reflection of who they love the most. Both mum and dad love them very much and want them to be happy so their should be no problem.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

I say this last sentence with caution because when you start to speak on behalf of your ex-partner you may find your words come back to haunt you if your ex-partner rejects their children when they form a new family and your words are clearly incorrect. Check out my Ten Do’s and Don’ts of Managing Children After Divorce Here.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Midlife Crisis & Relationship Advice: Documented Postings

I recently found a forum for individuals or individuals with partners going through a midlife crisis issues and stepped in to say hi to everyone. I was amazed and a bit overwhelmed but the responses I got back. It seems like there are a lot of people out there trying to deal with their partner’s person going through a midlife crisis. Mostly women although by no means exclusively.

I spent a lot of time there and hope I helped a few people out. The responses I got were very positive and my thoughts go to these poor individuals. They were in the main very confused and felt very alone with what to do with their partner’s situation.

For most it seems the more they try to help and understand what their partner is going through the more they are rejected.

The problem is, and this is why I have set this site up to discuss both infidelity and person going through a midlife crisis, you can’t be sure what really is going on for an individual. A person going through a midlife crisis   can be a mask for other plans for some whist for others its just a confusing ambiguous situation where no one, not ever the midlife’er knows what is going on.

I felt that I didn’t want to loose what I had said to all those people out there

And that it held true for so many would probably mean it could help others who come here looking for relationship advice.

Narcissism In A Person Going Through A Midlife Crisis

I started out by saying I had read a few posts and wanted to just say that from my experience a person within their person going through a midlife crisis   is at a point where they can be very narcissistic but it doesn’t mean they will always be that way. The narcissistic lead change people were experiencing shocked them. This person they had been so close to for so long now was a stranger, and one who would at best be ambiguous and at worse clearly lie.

When you can separate a person dishing out infidelity from the person who is genuinely in a person going through a midlife crisis   we need to understand that a person going through a midlife crisis   is a cry for expression and fulfilment, how ever that may be shaped, and its something that you can not suppress.

My view is that a person is either going through a particularly narcissistic phase, or has always been narcissistic and has worked hard (or not so hard in some cases!) to hide it. In my experience narcissism comes out in mid life because it is about releasing the suppression (for what ever reason) a person has felt previously, OR, that their narcissism has always been there, hidden a little but perhaps more obvious from the outside of the relationship than from within.

In my experience and understanding, someone who really has always been quite narcissistic will always be that way. That’s how they developed from a young child, so its not going to be something that the person can change in themselves easily even if they a) could acknowledge they are overly narcissistic or b) actually wanted to do anything about it.

Secondly, if they are just going through a narcissistic phase, a natural thing I think within a person going through a midlife crisis I personally think you pretty much need to leave them to get on with it. If you try to stop them, then you are suppressing them and you will make things worse. If they don’t want to go and see a counsellor then there isn’t much you can do to make them. However, if they ever begin to open up to what is going on for them, that’s a good time to listen to them, but don’t expect them to tell all that they are thinking either. In this situation I think the most important thing is to let them get on with it but not at the cost of yourself and your family.

Spend some time working out how to better protect yourself, i.e. are you secure if the person suddenly just up’s and leaves? How will you cope? Try to work out some plan for independence and work towards becoming so. Also, keep your respect for yourself high. Just because they are ‘going through something’ doesn’t mean you have to accept infidelity or late night parties with mates downstairs whilst you and the children try to get to sleep for example. Keep yourself in contact with good supportive friends where you can too.

The situations I have experienced in others that I would describe as a person going through a midlife crisis are all unique but for one thing, they are the last straw in a lifetime of coping with something that is wrong for them. Unconscious and/or conscious the points that make their life wrong for them come out in the end because they can not continue with the way they are living. I have helped people to firstly recognise the situation (if they don’t know already) and secondly support them through the process and encourage them that what they are doing and experiencing is very natural.

If your person going through a midlife crisis partner is really willing to open up and share all their feelings with you then you have the chance to support them and work out arrangements and activities to help them, as well as you get through it.

I see a person going through a midlife crisis as being about someone’s issues and the effect it has on their personality, therefore its about understanding the person and matching that to typically what an person going through a midlife crisis is for people, but not expecting all people to experience the same things.

I understand for someone who is with a person going through a person going through a midlife crisis it is a very confusing and an upsetting time. It can knock your self-esteem and may drive you to depression. However if you can at least understand the situation or phenomena you are experiencing at least you will be in a better position to survive it yourself. Easing the transition of a person going through a midlife crisis can change what can be a disaster into an adventure.

Some individual’s partners sound like they were going through a vulnerable time and seem to be doing the best they could to support then considering how vulnerable & oversensitive they are. As your partner begins to distance themselves it is time for the suffering partner to find themselves as an individual and without their partner irrespective of what may happen in the future.

This thing has been forced on them so it probably feels like its so unfair, maybe everything was right and going well but suddenly it all changed. Now they have to do something and I think doing something for yourself is healthier than spending all your time thinking and worrying about a person that is only half communicating.

By reviewing your own identity you have the change to reset your own direction and maybe, even if your partner does settle back down at home, you will be in a better position to deal with your partner’s problems in the future and be stronger about the situation and what you really want from the relationship, and your own life and future.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
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©2012 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.