I decided i needed some control over my 12 year old’s antics on the internet. I had banned her at least once from Bebo.com for mouthing off too much. However i felt i had better things to do than to keep on trying to work out all her hang outs & what her latest mischeef had resulted in. The standard parental controls, although better tgan your average PC didnt give me the ability to allow her a number of hours per day for named applications and the time window as well. I found a badly marketted app called. GoGoGoKids & decided that although it didnt look that well supported i would take a risk & try it out. Hey it works! I get to state the hours that she can access tge internet & the sites whilst also saying she can only go on between 4pm & 7pm. I also set a similar restriction for Msn messenger and can log every message in & out from that application (& yes her language was shocking). Theres a lot more you can do like log use of an ipod, video and image content aswell. I recon i have at least 6 months before she will work a way around these restrictions

Peace.

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

I guess I have to accept that under normal circumstances I am now entering the time of my life when my previous generation start to fade away. Unless you are unfortunate to have been inflicted by the pain of war, a violent society, flukes or natural disasters of other kind midlife is the time for one to accept the growing reduction in the family photo shoot and the changing dynamics this has on everyone.

My ex-wife’s family were quite close and her father was put on a pedestal as the leader of the family. When he died the change in the family for all was quite dramatic purely because of his absence. He was a well educated and quite experienced, although old fashioned and Victorian in outlook. Yet his opinion and the direction he asserted on his children kept him in their thoughts, like a small character looking on at everything they did well after he had gone.

From a psychodynamic / Freudian point of view this was a superego that had given the family their rules of life and will continue to be that reference they will use for the rest of their lives.

When my ex wife’s mother died I begun to see a change in my wife. She went off the rails, had an affair and rejected me and the children, but apart from that, her personality changed. She seemed to move back to what was safe, the nature and personality of her mother seemed to be where she wanted to be. She is now more ‘prim and proper’ and asserts her children with victorian-like table manners they were not used to growing up in a more relaxed environment.

The change in her has been profound and permanent. I guess the safe-ness of the ways of her parents was a place to go when she was for the first time realising her actions were triggering others to make choices that she might not be able to control. The safeness of a victorian attitude, blinkered and stiff, enables her to make logic of her actions and the darkness that she knows full well she has forced onto her children.

But I feel it is only a plaster stuck over emotions that one day may have to be returned to. The plaster seems to be firmly in place. She rejected the thought of sitting in front of a counsellor to talk about her feelings of rejecting the children saying, “I only need my clairvoyant to guide me”, dangerously leaving someone else in charge of her direction and destiny as opposed to herself.

She recently asked to have a change in the sleep over rota for the children to visit her. Ever since she left the house she has stuck by her rule that she can only take one child at a time (unless her partner is not there) and that the dogs (she has created a collection of dogs, almost to replace her children) hold her back from being able to support her children with after school events such as Ballet, Gymnastics and other dance sports activities.

A thin excuse is all she needs but some honest truth is what would help her understand how much she fails her children by only deciding what she is capable of doing and using the price of petrol and the needs of her (and her partner’s) dogs as good reasons why she can not and will not support the children’s activities.

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

This clearly was a nightmare situation for couples looking to have a child because of the dilemma it put them in as a couple and as individuals in terms of whether to continue with the pregnancy and risk dealing with the extra responsibility of a child who needs a lot of care and resources, or to terminate the pregnancy.

For many reasons of beliefs and personal outlook its a hard decision for anyone to make, and a very sad one at that. Only the individuals themselves will know what is right for them.

I was told that they took a day off to get out and work through what was right for them; could they take this responsibility on if the risk turned out to be reality or would it restrict their own needs and plans for the future? perhaps it would be impossible for them to consider other children? or maybe there are other responsibilities in their lives that would need to be considered also, such as looking after elderly parents.

They sat on a ferry to cross an estuary as they took a walk that afternoon and by pure chance found themselves sitting close to a couple with a Downs Syndrome child.

Later they said to my friend, “what does it mean? what should we make of that?” They were seeing the situation, the coincidence, as a message of some sort. Maybe this was a message and ‘fate’ was having something to do with what was going on for them at that very moment.

At times of hardship it is easy to take a step out of your own strength of decision making and hand it to something else, especially if the decision you need to make is particularly hard.

This, of course, got me thinking about how we take situations and coincidences. Some may see this as a sign from a god or a message from some unseen entity to tell them something. Perhaps it was telling them it was the right thing to do. Perhaps it was telling them it was the wrong thing to do.

This article has nothing to do with the choice of whether to have a Downs Syndrome child or not. What I want to express is that, as in this example, a situation or a coincidence is actually an opportunity and that any coincicence is an opportunity that is passing you by. You choice is to whether to grab it and make something of it, or watch it go by and do nothing, and so miss that opportunity and perhaps go on your way less informed about your path ahead.

Take the example above. The couple didn’t engage with the couple with the Downs Syndrome child. They just looked out the corner of their eyes probably like everyone else, and were left with their own feelings of how this impacted on their own very real dilemma.

Perhaps if they had seen this as an opportunity to quietly engage in a conversation with the couple maybe they would have found two individuals who would be very helpful to support a couple going through the same situation they had done many years before.

But the opportunity was lost and the couples went on their ways.

To me, the missed opportunity here means the couple are less informed and their path ahead is much harder to take. Now they may make the wrong decision for them by seeing this situation as a message to say yes, terminate, or conversely, no, don’t terminate the pregnancy.

Taking coincidences and seeing them as opportunities, as opposed to letting the situation tell you what to do rather than having the strength to make your own decisions is key to taking control of your life.

Leaving the decision making process to ‘fate’ is as good as going to a casino and putting your life on a bet.

If you feel this article has helped you, please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.

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©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

I have felt sad about this in the past. In my marriage I did feel at times ‘outside’ the family. It was hard to be the suited pro who worked to please the boss to bring in the salary whilst also having to turn into a dad and husband at the end of the day to be there for others needs too. Its not easy for anyone in this situation if work takes over, which I think is pretty much where things lie for most of the western world nowadays because of the ethics of overworking yourself.

I am not less career but more with children. My eldest goes to sleep with her mum twice a week and sees her after school each day.

But I do miss her so much and feel that my lifestyle now almost has switched from physical absence to conscious absence. I have so much to think about, life feels so complicated now. Additionally, my daughter is very nearly 13 and has had a boyfriend and a busy social life with her buddies from school. This means that whilst she is here she is either texting her friends or is on MSN.

I understand and try to accept this. As kids become teenagers they want to spend less time with their parents. Their lives are blossoming and it is only natural, very natural for them to want to socialise with their friends. It is important for them to do so because they need to develop good, healthy social interaction skills so that they have sound interpersonal skills that will hold them in good stead as they go through life.

But I miss her and feel that the years are shooting by and little happens to make anything we do a memory that will be happy to reflect on in years to come. I feel terrible that my children are from a broken family. I feel terribly sad for them to have experienced a mum and a dad that live in different houses. It’s something I find very hard to deal with at times and want to compensate for by buying them things (and getting myself more in debt as a result).

I am currently looking for something that I can do to engage my eldest. Like many parents in the past and future, I will keep on trying to engage my child, broken family or not.

I found an image of my daughter sitting in a tree with a big smile on her face. The picture was taken when she was around 3 years old when we lived as a family. After streams of tears I was non the wiser for why, for the past couple of weeks I seem to feel so unhappy about how things are with my children. My partner feels the same. Maybe we should just live with our own children… maybe we are just wanting to do what we tell others not to, that is over-compensate for the failures we are as parents to give them an unspoilt upbringing and blame ourselves for the failures they have innocently had to experience.

Maybe… that just teaches them something that we were not taught: don’t expect life to be fair.

If you feel this article has helped you, please donate to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.

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©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

This is not to say that anyone else, or any of my other daughters are my inspiration however my youngest (”oh of course, a ‘youngest child’ syndrome”) is particularly inspiring.

Years ago I remember picking her up at the local nusery and whilst walking back to the car I turned to her as she lagged behind and told her to hurry up.

She had stopped and was looking at a flower.

It was then that I realised I was the one that should have been told to slow down. There was no rush, Life itself shouldn’t be done at a rush. We should be absorbing all around us and being inspired by what we see, particularly nature.

Again and again, (at the times when she is not being stroppy or otherwise) she inspires me because she reminds me of the beauty of simplicity.

Those who have read some of my posts before might remember my thoughts on simplicity and a simple life.

I see this in some of the musicians I meet and review their work. Those that make their life less complicated enable inspiration and creativity flow. You don’t have to be an artist or creative to find benefit in making your life simple.

Remove the physical and emotional clutter from your life and make more space for yourself.

I am at a position where I can make choices and decisions about the complexity of my life. My life is complicated and I wish to be at a more simple place where I can focus more on being creative. It sometimes feels like I am trying to get back to being a five year old again and I wonder how much of this has to do with an ongoing midlife crisis, or midlife shift…

My business ventures make life more complicated because of the need to make money like everyone else. To make money from things I love means that life is somewhat more satisfying. A lot more satisfying. But still life can become more complicated in any way you point your life and career.

For example, I am starting to work with a business who wants a lot of me. I have to make the conscious choice to be committed to them and make the business work for both of us. the returns are expected to be very good but I know it will suck me in and I have spent time thinking about the implications of that.

Am I going to accept this level of complexity in my life? will in in fact make my life simpler because of the focus it will give? in some ways yes, I will have some simplicity in that it focuses me on a particular business and the model that this gives allows me to pursue more businesses like this one to create my future.

The money will give me choices but there again the risk starts to enter where with money I will make my life more complicated.

A few years ago my wife and I had a classic VW camper, a car each and a 6 berth motorhome. The motor home would regularly want an injection of cash a and we had issues with it such as the gearbox that was never right from when we purchased it.

it made life far more complex. There was too much to think about.

I often dream about a small cabin situated by a lake hidden away from the rest of the world where I can focus on creating really endearing and rewarding art. The simplicity will allow me to be fully creative. Its a nirivana that I may never find, but by keeping it in my mind I know the direction I want to go in rather than slip into filling my life up again with complicated possessions and complicated relationships.

Ruben

If you feel this article has helped you, please donate to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.

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©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

When “free” Actually is “misleading” and means ‘taking candy from a baby’

My daughter recently complained about loosing all the credit on her phone.

She didn’t understand that the “free” ringtone download actually meant you are now subscribed to a service that will charge you $3 per message we send you each week for the rest of your life.

The Internet page she got the download from was very misleading. It was not clear at all that there would be money removed from the mobile phone account. It feels to me very strongly that this is intentional.

I don’t know how the guys who run these sort of ‘businesses’ can show their faces in public. Oh yes, perhaps they get out of bed thinking about all that candy they are going to collect from children that day.

They get in their expensive, well earned executive cars and drive to their high tech office to think up more creative ways to make lots of money from children. That must be satisfying work for them.

Keeping on the right side of the law of course is about carrying on until you are found out. Take a look at this BBC report on a fine for $50,000 for “misleading” customers.

These are the same guys who took money from my child without her understanding. It certainly feels to me that when “free download” actually means $3 per week for ever is misleading too.

How can you stop these guys? Complain. Call them up, cease the service. Don’t add any credit on your phone until it is resolved because they will take more from you that you apparently “owe” them!!!

Call your telecoms watchdog and complain. Don’t let them get away with misleading your children.

Warn your children that “free” means money to some people. Protect your children from financial abuse today.

Its hard enough in this day looking after children’s wellbeing without keeping your eye on all the Internet frauds going on and still knowing that there are organisations out there who are running businesses seemingly with the soul aim to “mislead” your child and take their pocket money.

I am left imagining these people returning home after a long hard day taking money from children to put their own kids to bed with a sweet lullaby from a mobile phone ringtone.

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

It suddenly dawned on me today. I set up an email account for my eldest daughter a few years ago which was used occasionally and all the email came from both sides of the family to her that way. No problem you would think. Wrong. For my ex-wife’s perspective this was a reason to feel projectionist about our daughter again. Previously my ex wife had contacted and insisted that all presents and birthday cards would come to her house for each of our children even though the children lived with me. It didn’t seem to bother the kids although I feel the beginnings of them trying to deal with the approval of their mother and the loyalty that comes with it. My ex wife was really harsh with her sister about it, a lady who has seen enough of issues between parents and the affect on children to know best to keep the children out of your own squabbles.

Anyway, today i realised that my ex wife has now set up an email account for my daughter that she asked all her family to send messages to for her instead of her original one.

If there a message in this for us all?

Well the one I can think about is to try really hard not to make your issues become your children’s.

If you feel guilty about the breakup of your marriage and the affect it has on your children think again about the ongoing approval and conditional love messages you may be giving them, and the damage this causes children at a time of great influence as they develop.

Then look up narcisssism.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

It suddenly dawned on me today. I set up an email account for my eldest daughter a few years ago which was used occasionally and all the email came from both sides of the family to her that way. No problem you would think. Wrong. For my ex-wife’s perspective this was a reason to feel projectionist about our daughter again. Previously my ex wife had contacted and insisted that all presents and birthday cards would come to her house for each of our children even though the children lived with me. It didn’t seem to bother the kids although I feel the beginnings of them trying to deal with the approval of their mother and the loyalty that comes with it. My ex wife was really harsh with her sister about it, a lady who has seen enough of issues between parents and the affect on children to know best to keep the children out of your own squabbles.

Anyway, today i realised that my ex wife has now set up an email account for my daughter that she asked all her family to send messages to for her instead of her original one.

If there a message in this for us all?

Well the one I can think about is to try really hard not to make your issues become your children’s.

If you feel guilty about the breakup of your marriage and the affect it has on your children think again about the ongoing approval and conditional love messages you may be giving them, and the damage this causes children at a time of great influence as they develop.

Then look up narcisssism.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Ten Do’s And Don’ts Of Managing Children After Your Divorce

One: Make sure you do not overcompensate for the situation your children are in. You probably will feel guilty about the break-up of the relationship even if you chose to break-up for the right reasons.

You will feel sorry for your kids when they are upset and missing the other parent. You might want to lavish them with presents, and give them what ever they ask for to keep them happy.

This maybe ok once in a while but you risk a habit forming situation that will spiral into a child that is spoil and eventually becomes narcissistic. This is how narcissism can develop in children.

Two: Don’t make your children feel guilty about going to see their other parent. They have a right to choose when and if they want to see their other parent and it is likely they will want to.

Think about the child’s needs as opposed to your revulsion that anyone would want to be with your ex-partner. Its different for children. Children need their mum and dad don’t forget.

Three: Never knock the other parent down. Don’t get into a discussion with your child and put your ex-partner down. Keep it cool and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Kids need a good mum and dad and whilst you can try to keep your child from thinking that you have a balanced well adjusted child. If you decide to knock your ex-partner down you will start a war where the children are the cannon fodder in the middle.

Likewise never get into knocking your ex-partner’s new partner down either.

Three: Don’t dump your emotions on them. You are an adult.

You may feel and at times act like a child because of the events that have occurred, you may be the one sitting in a bed-sit or a hotel somewhere wondering how you are going to rebuild your life but if you dump your feelings and emotions on your child it makes the whole experience far harder for them and it will adversely affect their lives; their schooling, their friendships, their feeling of self-worth.

If it continues through a child’s developing years (i.e. every year for a child is a developing year!) you will affect their developing personality and you may be responsible for making your child have mental health problems.

Someone I knew had a hard upbringing with issues between parents and became a neurotic anxiety driven person for all her life. Her sister was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder .. (additional resources here) .Think about what you are doing, don’t dump on your children.

Four: Don’t look to your children to side with you against your ex-partner. It’s not their war. Look elsewhere for allies. You maybe forgiven for being off the rails and upset enough to share this with your kids early on but not for long.

Keep it up and you will create the same issues as described above. Children who are suicidal are commonly from backgrounds where the parents have split but the ongoing aftermath is even more torturous.

You should avoid feeling the need to look for any signs of loyalty. I know it’s hard, children may have a predominance for one parent over another for natural reasons. Don’t turn this into a fight for loyalty even if your ex-partner doesn’t deserve their love. That’s for them to work out and they will work it out if its real when they are older.

Five: Don’t get dragged into a fight. You kid may come home and say that mum said you were an idiot or something else that undermines you. You need to keep it cool and get in contact with your ex-partner straight away to clarify exactly what was said.

It may be your child has not heard correctly something that was said and is telling you through loyalty.

IF you are not careful you might end up in a fight for no reason. Be careful about what you say in front of the children about adult subjects in general as well as subjects relating to your ex-partner.

Your children may look engrossed in their painting on the kitchen table but they might be sucking up all that is being said, to then digest later on. This could upset them and also be relayed to your ex-partner.

Six: Be careful about responding to what the children say. They may be using you to punish the other parent for some injustice dished out to them recently. Kids play each parent off against each other.

If one wont let them have another ear piercing then they will go to the other parent. If the other parent wants to start a fight or is a little less careless about managing manipulation then you have a child who knows how to play you off against each other to get their own way.

The child gets in control and over time you risk anarchy in your own home as the child becomes to believe they can get away with almost anything

Seven: Don’t speak for your ex-partner. Let them speak. Tell your kids that you both love them very much, sure, but keep it simple and don’t elaborate. Your words may come back to bite you.

If you say too much about your ex-partner, if this is innocently told to them by your children you might be provoking a fight where the children are used are pawns.

Additionally, the more you try to convince your child that their other parent does love them, even though they never see them, even though they have walked away from them and disowned them, even if they are now starting a new family and don’t even bother to remember their birthdays or send them gifts at celebration times.

You see? Whilst you are trying to hold them together, at worse, the absent parent is moving in the opposite direction

Eight: Focus on developing sound and secure boundaries within your and their home. Make sure they understand they are welcome always in your house even if it isn’t their official home.

Make sure that they understand the rules of behaviour of your house and that this may be different to the rules in the other house they live in.

Nine: Make sure when the children are living with you that you find time for them. You spend time doing activities with them and that they are not just left to do what ever they want in the background as you continue your life.

I understand you will be juggling work and home life, especially when it comes to school holidays. But if you plan ahead and organise some days out and some days where friends can come over you will be able to keep them active and without reasonable excuse to moan.

Ten: Mobile Phones Off! Make sure that you allow your child to keep in touch with their other parent but make sure the mobile phone is not used as a way to undermine your time with them.

Get them to leave it at home when you go on a trip so that you can enjoy the trip with your child. Conversely when they go away with their other parent, don’t keep on hassling them via the phone, make sure they have quality time with their other parent too.

If they go on holiday, ask for a post card, not a call each day in the evening for example.

This is controlling and it will make the children find contacting you a chore or loyalty rather than something they want to do. Think about where this need comes from within you and then think about what is best for your child.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
[donation]

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Ten Do’s And Don’ts Of Managing Children After Your Divorce

One: Make sure you do not overcompensate for the situation your children are in. You probably will feel guilty about the break-up of the relationship even if you chose to break-up for the right reasons.

You will feel sorry for your kids when they are upset and missing the other parent. You might want to lavish them with presents, and give them what ever they ask for to keep them happy.

This maybe ok once in a while but you risk a habit forming situation that will spiral into a child that is spoil and eventually becomes narcissistic. This is how narcissism can develop in children.

Two: Don’t make your children feel guilty about going to see their other parent. They have a right to choose when and if they want to see their other parent and it is likely they will want to.

Think about the child’s needs as opposed to your revulsion that anyone would want to be with your ex-partner. Its different for children. Children need their mum and dad don’t forget.

Three: Never knock the other parent down. Don’t get into a discussion with your child and put your ex-partner down. Keep it cool and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Kids need a good mum and dad and whilst you can try to keep your child from thinking that you have a balanced well adjusted child. If you decide to knock your ex-partner down you will start a war where the children are the cannon fodder in the middle.

Likewise never get into knocking your ex-partner’s new partner down either.

Three: Don’t dump your emotions on them. You are an adult.

You may feel and at times act like a child because of the events that have occurred, you may be the one sitting in a bed-sit or a hotel somewhere wondering how you are going to rebuild your life but if you dump your feelings and emotions on your child it makes the whole experience far harder for them and it will adversely affect their lives; their schooling, their friendships, their feeling of self-worth.

If it continues through a child’s developing years (i.e. every year for a child is a developing year!) you will affect their developing personality and you may be responsible for making your child have mental health problems.

Someone I knew had a hard upbringing with issues between parents and became a neurotic anxiety driven person for all her life. Her sister was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder .. (additional resources here) .Think about what you are doing, don’t dump on your children.

Four: Don’t look to your children to side with you against your ex-partner. It’s not their war. Look elsewhere for allies. You maybe forgiven for being off the rails and upset enough to share this with your kids early on but not for long.

Keep it up and you will create the same issues as described above. Children who are suicidal are commonly from backgrounds where the parents have split but the ongoing aftermath is even more torturous.

You should avoid feeling the need to look for any signs of loyalty. I know it’s hard, children may have a predominance for one parent over another for natural reasons. Don’t turn this into a fight for loyalty even if your ex-partner doesn’t deserve their love. That’s for them to work out and they will work it out if its real when they are older.

Five: Don’t get dragged into a fight. You kid may come home and say that mum said you were an idiot or something else that undermines you. You need to keep it cool and get in contact with your ex-partner straight away to clarify exactly what was said.

It may be your child has not heard correctly something that was said and is telling you through loyalty.

IF you are not careful you might end up in a fight for no reason. Be careful about what you say in front of the children about adult subjects in general as well as subjects relating to your ex-partner.

Your children may look engrossed in their painting on the kitchen table but they might be sucking up all that is being said, to then digest later on. This could upset them and also be relayed to your ex-partner.

Six: Be careful about responding to what the children say. They may be using you to punish the other parent for some injustice dished out to them recently. Kids play each parent off against each other.

If one wont let them have another ear piercing then they will go to the other parent. If the other parent wants to start a fight or is a little less careless about managing manipulation then you have a child who knows how to play you off against each other to get their own way.

The child gets in control and over time you risk anarchy in your own home as the child becomes to believe they can get away with almost anything

Seven: Don’t speak for your ex-partner. Let them speak. Tell your kids that you both love them very much, sure, but keep it simple and don’t elaborate. Your words may come back to bite you.

If you say too much about your ex-partner, if this is innocently told to them by your children you might be provoking a fight where the children are used are pawns.

Additionally, the more you try to convince your child that their other parent does love them, even though they never see them, even though they have walked away from them and disowned them, even if they are now starting a new family and don’t even bother to remember their birthdays or send them gifts at celebration times.

You see? Whilst you are trying to hold them together, at worse, the absent parent is moving in the opposite direction

Eight: Focus on developing sound and secure boundaries within your and their home. Make sure they understand they are welcome always in your house even if it isn’t their official home.

Make sure that they understand the rules of behaviour of your house and that this may be different to the rules in the other house they live in.

Nine: Make sure when the children are living with you that you find time for them. You spend time doing activities with them and that they are not just left to do what ever they want in the background as you continue your life.

I understand you will be juggling work and home life, especially when it comes to school holidays. But if you plan ahead and organise some days out and some days where friends can come over you will be able to keep them active and without reasonable excuse to moan.

Ten: Mobile Phones Off! Make sure that you allow your child to keep in touch with their other parent but make sure the mobile phone is not used as a way to undermine your time with them.

Get them to leave it at home when you go on a trip so that you can enjoy the trip with your child. Conversely when they go away with their other parent, don’t keep on hassling them via the phone, make sure they have quality time with their other parent too.

If they go on holiday, ask for a post card, not a call each day in the evening for example.

This is controlling and it will make the children find contacting you a chore or loyalty rather than something they want to do. Think about where this need comes from within you and then think about what is best for your child.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

If you feel this article has been useful to you then please donate something to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
[donation]

©2010 Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife. All Rights Reserved.

Children Of Divorce Still Need Their Mum And Their Dad

It may not be obvious to all, (and this isn’t meant to be derogatory to those that don’t realise this or are too into their own break-up to have thought this through):

Children need their mum and their dad.

You are excused from missing this point if you are mixed up in the worst break-up experience of your life. I understand because I was. I had so much upset and anger at my ex that I just wanted to take my children away and go live somewhere else.

The bottom had dropped out of my life and I was in pieces. I couldn’t think of anything else but what had happened and the disbelief that surrounded this. It is understandable whilst adults are in this situation feeling this, which they would consider running away with their children. However, for the children it will increase the trauma.

Unless something pretty horrible has happened between a child and a parent a child will always want to be with their mum and dad. They will be traumatised by the split up of their parents although may actually be feeling better in a house that doesn’t involve heated (or worse) arguments.

Children will try to keep hold of the two most important people in their lives and now that they are sitting in different houses, possibly miles apart they are feeling split between you both. Don’t make it harder for them than it needs to be. Think of the happiness of your children and help them keep you both as close to them as they need.

They might try to get you back together again, they might ask if you both will taken them on holiday. As hard as it is for you, and for your children they do need to understand the permanence of the situation. This, although upsetting will enable them to work through it and move on rather than languish wondering if things may change and dad or mum make come back to the house.

Your situation may not be that simple of course. You might find yourself in a situation where you don’t actually know if your partner is returning or not. However you need to get as much control of the situation as you can, for your children’s sake as well as for your own.

If is not fair for a parent to create an insecure situation such as this and the sooner it is clear, which ever way it goes, the better for all.

They will probably miss the absent parent and fantasise about their mum and dad getting back together again and having happy times again before mum and dad started arguing.

You must have heard of the saying that children heal. It is complete rubbish and is an ignorant saying. What actually happens is that the child absorbs the trauma and builds their personality around it, like scar tissue. It will in some way affect their future lives and their future relationships.

One more obvious example of this was someone I knew who put everything into keeping her marriage together for the sake of the children because she was brought up by her mother herself and felt very alone throughout her childhood culminating in a suicide attempt when she was 18.

Her husband was having an affair and at one time made her and his mistress pregnant at the same time. Twenty five years on, in her time of need when she had cancer he had another affair and spent the next four years moving between wife and mistress.

Yet she still hoped for it all to end and let him continue to take control until the day she finally threw him out.

Kids get fed up with parents bickering, they get affected by the issues if they are drawn into them by selfish thinking parents. They get fed up with being transported from one house to another. Research tells us that kids are left less scarred if they can call one house home and that is where they spend the majority of their time.

Being split exactly equal between two houses is only ok for the parents and has nothing to do with how the kids feel most of the time. However kids will always be feeling bad about loyalty to each parent, and it gets worse when some selfish parents try to put their own emotions onto them. They get very upset.

I asked my youngest the other day, “would you like to spend the night before your birthday with mum?” her response was to burst out crying and eventually say, “ I don’t know, I love you both the same amount” Clearly she had been drawn into some loyalty issue which I sure is nothing I have done (although if I find out I will ensure I make corrections).

However she was feeling terrible about having to make a choice between mum and dad.

I am aware that mum does put some emotion into her relationship with our children. She tells them of her financial crisis and that she can-not pay maintenance to dad.

She tells one of my daughters not to use the phone she pays for to call or text my partner (more than likely because with a new woman in the house she is feeling threatened by her presence and, since she will feel some degree of failure as a mum because she left the family home to live with another man this will make it worse).

When one of my children doesn’t want to visit mum on their regular Sunday meeting with mum she makes them feel guilty by rejecting them. Essentially what she is doing is offering love conditionally which obviously makes any child feel terribly sad and possibly try harder to please them.

If the parent is overly narcissistic they will pick up on this and use this again and again to get the lavishings of love and presents that a narcissist needs continuously and copiously.

In this particular case the best way to help your child is to tell them you have made the decision for them. Also tell them that it is fine for them to choose whoever they want to be with, it is up to them and it is not a reflection of who they love the most. Both mum and dad love them very much and want them to be happy so their should be no problem.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

I say this last sentence with caution because when you start to speak on behalf of your ex-partner you may find your words come back to haunt you if your ex-partner rejects their children when they form a new family and your words are clearly incorrect. Check out my Ten Do’s and Don’ts of Managing Children After Divorce Here.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

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