Part One of this Self-Esteem Article Is Here

So What Can You Do About Your Low Self-Esteem?

Well, there are some very good sources for self-esteem help out there. I will be reviewing some here at DiscoverAid but some that come to mind are Self Esteem & Confidence forum at uncommonforum.com & utexas.edu. There are some good books (see the list in the column on this page) as well.

These will help you identify a voice inside your head that tells you that you are not good enough, or confirms to you that you haven’t done well enough. It’s that same voice that knocked you down that is now embedded within your own self.

But it is not the real you! It is holding you back from being who you really are and achieving all that you really want to achieve in life. Be a successful sports person? Date the partner of your dreams? Get the job you have always wanted? Why can’t you achieve these things? Are you really not good enough or have you just not got the confidence to strive for what you really want in life?

The first thing you need to do is:

Hear The Voice

Take some time to realise you are listening to a voice that is telling you bad things. Its not like you have a demon that is telling you to murder someone, its simply something in your head that makes negative comments about your self, what you are doing and what you are capable of doing. Its almost as if it pretends to be part of you so that it can stay hidden and survive. Once you have found the voice that is telling you to doubt yourself you will be able to recognise it again and again.

Consider some challenges. Think of some things that you might doubt yourself able to do. As you approach the challenge listen to yourself listen to what you are telling yourself and you will eventually find the voice and be able, over time to separate it out from the real you and identify it as something that is not you and is there purely to hinder you and stop you doing what you want to do well.

Find The Source Of The Voice

Take some time to wonder where the voice came from. Is it your father and / or your mother? Is it an older sister or brother? It happened only because of their own weaknesses, their own vulnerability. No one who is strong and balanced themselves needs to knock others down. Only the weak who need to feel good by knocking others down do so. The bully at school would only bully because they are being bullied themselves, by an older sibling or parent for example. Make peace with them in your head. Pity their weakness and promise yourself that you wont let their experience in life effect you being able to achieve what you want to do with your life. Consider what could happen if you don’t fight against the voice. Consider being 50 years old and still feeling weak to the point of under performing.

Get Around The Voice & Challenge It

Now that you have identified the voice and know its origin, or even if you don’t really know the origin because you may have come from a family culture where everyone knocked everyone else down, now is the time to work out how to push it aside.

Tell the voice times have changed:

“I am actually worth it”

“I am an interesting person”

“I am worthy of love”

“I can achieve what ever I want to given my own inner powers of determination”

“Nothing should get between me and my dreams”

Challenge the voice,

“Why can’t I do what I want to do?”

“So what if I don’t achieve the first time, I will be back and try again and learn to do better each time I try”

“Why do you want me to fail?”

“Your comments are irrelevant”

“Your comments don’t help me”

“Your comments are wasting my time”

When you are involved in challenging yourself and you begin to hear the voice confirming your imperfections counteract them by saying these alternatives:

Again, try to think about challenges where you can test these responses out. Work on some projects that will help you begin to show to yourself you can succeed. Don’t try for Everest today, begin with a local hill and then go find some mountains.

Learn To Celebrate Success And Compliments

A good test of how well you are doing is listening to yourself when someone gives you a compliment. If you find accepting a compliment hard it is because you don’t believe you are worth complimenting. So that’s your inner voice again saying (for example), “don’t believe them, they must be after something, you’re not worthy of compliments”. Think about what it might be like to stand and be clapped by an audience, to get praise from your parents or your siblings because of what you achieved.

Celebrate who you are with the achievements you have made. Go out to dinner, treat yourself in some way, make an event of it!

Be careful returning to those who have knocked you down before to show them what you have achieved. Just because you have developed and proved yourself doesn’t mean that they have too. You might find your best achievement is thrown back in your face and results in you feeling just as bad as before.

Don’t forget; don’t let their vulnerability become your vulnerability and failure. Forget looking to them for praise that may never come. If it does come some how and some day consider it a bonus. Look to develop relationships with those who can respect others and you. Develop these relationships so that you can both receive and give positive encouragement and praise for your life’s challenges.

Summing Up

Like I said at the start of this article, it’s only natural to have some self-doubt about our abilities. So your self doubting voice will always be there somewhere, and depending on what challenges you have, and depending on how well you are, how tired you are, how hard it is to achieve what you want to achieve.

But what you need to do is minimise its effects on you. By doing so the voice will change from an eagle sized mouth perching on your shoulder to a small sparrow twittering quiet irrelevant things to you that you aren’t actually listening to anyway.

More thoughts about self-esteem can be found at soberdesigners.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

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Filed under: Depression, Self-Esteem & Anxiety

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