What Is Narcissism? And What Is A Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

Narcissism is a trait of all of our personalities to a lesser or greater degree. It is the part of your personality that is selfish and thinks of yourself before anyone else. It is the side of your personality that only thinks of yourself.

Without it we would be unable to look after ourselves, but with too much of it we are unable to consider anyone else.

Getting the balance right for many is about questioning the roots of their personalities and the upbringings that developed them in that way.

For others narcissism, or rather, being narcissistic a phase they are going through at midlife when they have given up the fight to keep their needs and wishes hidden.

So what is narcissism? and how does it differ from a narcissistic personality disorder?

Disorders are serious things to label on people. But they help ultimately to create a path for healing and redeveloping individuals so that they can become successfully people in relationships and society.

Someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder will stand out from the crowd in society. Some will use the desire for love and turn it into a craving for power over people, perhaps becoming a head to their own business or organization.

Their inability to feel empathy for anyone being transferred into the culture of their organization and making it more ruthless, and perhaps more competitive and successful in the process.

So someone with a narcissistic personality doesn’t necessarily need to be a vulnerable neurotic failure in life. You will see this trait in many. But what makes it a disorder over a personality trait?

Narcissism As A Disorder

To start to understand narcissism as a disorder let me quote Wikkipedia:

“Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), is defined as a mental illness primarily characterized by extreme focus on oneself, and is a maladaptive, rigid, and persistent condition that may cause significant distress and functional impairment.”

(source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder )

If you or someone you know has at least five of the following traits as part of their everyday character then they would be classed as having a narcissistic personality disorder (partly taken from the Wikkipedia description linked above):

• Pompous and feel they are more important than others,
• Preoccupied with love and their own beauty and success,
• Thinks they are special and can only be understood by a select few (elitism),
• Needs everyone to admire and love them,
• Believes they are owed something and are entitled to most things,
• Takes advantage and uses others to their own means. Getting others to do jobs or errands for them,
• Finds it hard to feel for others, lacking empathy. For example will not be considerate when someone is upset but expects others to understand when they are emotional.
• Feels envy towards others but also believes others envy them,
• Arrogant & brash behavior, thoughtless and inconsiderate towards others,

If you feel that a lot of that matches yourself or your partner then think about your or their background and upbringing for a little. Psychologist believe that people with a narcissistic personality disorder will have suffered when they were younger at key developmental stages where the influence of their upbringing has caused them to be how they are today in adult life.

It’s important to keep this into perspective. I’m sure if we all look through a list of personality disorder traits (what ever the specific disorder is) we will come out convinced we have that disorder. It is, as always the degree of those traits that qualify us as having a disorder.

Narcissism is seeded within the first 18 months of a child’s development and also whilst a person is within their teens.

It is within the teen years that narcissism can take permanent root if the child is not given a healthy environment that provides a balanced view of themselves.

Teens are seen as narcissistic much of the time because of their self-indulgence in the development of their identity. So it is not always simple to understand the affect that narcissism is really had on a child unless you have known them for many of their developing years.

It is hard to separate the amoral narcissism of a developing person to that of one developing a personality disorder. However it is seen as the excessiveness of the narcissism that gives a good indication of the likelihood of a disorder being present.

Where Does Narcissism Start?

You might see some narcissistic traits in your partner that doesn’t fully qualify them for a narcissistic personality disorder but at least helps you understand what you are dealing with in terms of their selfishness and its possible root cause.

For example, the youngest child in a family may be at risk of being overly narcissistic because they are ‘always the baby’ of the family and are always ‘cuddled’ and adored by all, even into their thirties and beyond!

I am aware of my own youngest child and spend much time comparing her behavior to her other sisters.

I see that she loves being the youngest and can often try to get her own way by being ‘cute and sweet’ which can aggravate other adults around me.

As a parent it is so easy to overcompensate for the loss of their real mother and spoil them with things that give them a short burst of gratification but its not so easy to change direction with this behavior when they turn into teenagers.

In their teens, we are more narcissistic. For some, because of traumas in their lives they never fully develop out of these teenager narcissistic years. More naturally teenagers are for the first time in their lives coming to terms with the physical & mental maturing that is happening to them. It is hard to separate the natural narcissism of a teenager from the affects of a vulnerable under confident person who has been deprived unconditional love and support in their early years.

“It is widely acknowledged that suffers of Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD) tend to be brought up in unempathic environments. In such an environment it is the parent’s (or primary carers) wants and desires that are catered to as the child develops, where the child’s real needs are largely ignored.”

(source: http://www.echo.me.uk/npd2.htm )

So what this is saying is that in most cases the parents or carers create the environment for the child to develop their narcissistic personality disorder. A child’s parents could be, for example, abusive alcoholics, sexual abusers, or in fact have their own narcissistic personality disorder.

Conversely, they could be over-loving parents who see no fault in their children and make great efforts to protect their child from blame of behavior, always accusing the other child of being the problem.

I have seen how a child can manipulate a mother by exaggerating a situation to get more sympathy to make them feel wanted, at the cost of the other children who are branded the problem.

Here are some situations that at an early age contribute towards developing a narcissistic personality disorder:

1. Parents spoiling the child: never saying no and always saying yes to their needs. Some parents always give when they are compensating for something else such as the break-up of a marriage.
2. Parents pressure and use the child to support their own self-esteem. Where a parent has a low self-esteem they can use the child to boost their own, for example a father wanting a boy child to play football to support their own failed ambitions on becoming a professional football player or the mother wanting her girl child to become the next Hollywood star.
3. The child can ‘never do any wrong’: refusing to believe the child could do what others are telling them. Finding excuses to give them a way out from the responsibility and blame of their actions or not wanting to believe what their child is doing. The result is the child doesn’t get corrective behavioral action and believes they can do what they were probably supposed not to do.
4. Parent’s don’t set and stick to boundaries so that child is never clear what is right and what is wrong. The child becomes confused and doesn’t know how to behave since it only depends on the mood of the parent whether an act is right or wrong on a particular day.
5. Similar to the above, parents can use love conditionally and so when the child is naughty love is taken away. Some disordered parents will use love to get their own way with many of their needs described here. The child is left not knowing if they are loved or not, being vulnerable and feeling very insecure. Since only the emotions and feelings of the parent are important, their own feelings are neglected and not developed at key stages.
6. Praising a child excessively and not balancing this with constructive criticism. Always telling the child they are fantastic without offering them opportunities to consider their own areas of development, i.e. things they don’t do so well that would be good to work on for personal development.
7. Parents are manipulative and the child learns and uses them as well. The child becomes manipulative of others at an early age and whilst other children are amoral they become used, and even abused by the narcissistic child.
8. Serious emotional abuse by parents towards child: Parents who are very unstable themselves through their own disorders will probably transfer some or all of their disorder to their child although the results may look different in the child at a later stage.
9. Some parents can also seduce their child, using them as an alternative to their own failed relationships. This can be subtle and not in any way physical to have an effect on the child.

Take a look at narcissism such as echo.me.co.uk for a story of one person’s life in a family that was controlled by individuals with narcissistic personality disorders. Wikkipedia also has a good reference that will give you a deeper understanding about narcissism but described as a disorder as opposed to a personality trait.

Therefore everyone, to a less or greater degree, and depending on where you are in your life, and what is happening to you, will feel narcissistic in some way.

So recognizing your own or your partner’s excessive narcissism at a certain time or as part of your or their normal everyday being will help you to understand a lot about the issues you face within a relationship and making it successful.

Psychologists believe that whilst excessive narcissism is one way of qualifying for a personality disorder they also believe that if you didn’t feel or use your narcissistic side on occasions you wouldn’t be balanced and healthy.

For example, if you ’t look after yourself and put yourself first once in a while, then others (perhaps more narcissistic) would take advantage of you. Providing yourself with boundaries enables you to look after yourself.

Having boundaries is about balancing the needs of yourself with the needs of others that you choose to care for such as your partner, family and friends.

On some days you may feel overwhelmed by the issues that those around you push on you. At that time it would be healthy for you to take time off alone, get your own space. Here is when your narcissistic side steps in to protect you.

Narcissism In Your Midlife Crisis Or Your Relationship Break-up

So in the context of relationship break-ups, infidelity and divorce you are going to be feeling emotional and will need your narcissistic side to look after yourself. Also, whilst going through a midlife crisis you will be feeling very confused at times about things and will need to take time and space to figure things through possibly at the cost of spending time with family and friends.

Many people I speak to tell me stories of partners who have gone through a midlife crisis or left because they are separating and have subsequently ‘gone off the rails’ and have become completely self-indulgent and can consider no one else. It seems to me in these cases that this is a natural phase of breaking up within someone and finding yourself again, and enjoying that independence that comes with it. However, as with everything in life, excessiveness often tells another story.

Additionally I hear of some that have finally escaped from suppressive relationships where the other partner sounds as if a strong sense of narcissism was part of their everyday way of living.

In these cases these individuals are escaping from a partner who has maybe abused them or at the very least suppressed them because of their own narcissistic personality disorder.

In these cases it is useful to understand narcissism a little deeper and as a possible personality disorder. In this way you will be able to understand why you act like you do, or why your partner or estranged partner does.

If you can understand why, then you will be able to act to minimize the effect on you either through choosing counseling or if with an estranged partner, how to minimize the disruption the person can cause in your and your family’s lives.

Summary

I will take one more quote from Echo.Me.co.uk’s own experiences of narcissism which I think puts this all into perspective at Discover Aid:

“..there is nothing you can do to change the Narcissist, the only one you can change is yourself to either accept your life with them or move on to a life without them.”

(source: http://www.echo.me.uk/books.htm#AboutYou )

It’s a shame to think that a full narcissistic personality disordered person will unlikely have the ability to acknowledge their own disorder but instead will continue to destroy the personalities of others. Its up to you to decide if you want to be emotionally destroyed by such a person.

Please also note that having a disorder doesn’t make you a bad person, it means you or the person concerned need to acknowledge they have a disorder that hinders them living their life successfully over a long term. If they seek out and sustain psychotherapy for your disorder they certainly will have my respect. If they avoid help, they have my pity.

A fascinating article on narcissism is located here.

If you have any experiences of narcissism then I would be pleased to hear from you.

Guy

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Filed under: Depression, Self-Esteem & Anxiety, Mid-Life Crisis, Relationship Break-up

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