Discover Aid: The Challenges Of Living In Your Midlife

Love

Ruben — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 19:31:06 +0000

Been thinking about this recently. Fascinating. Love is like a mental challenge, its almost like putting yourself on drugs, there’s highs and lows.

Some survive, some don’t and are damaged long term.

But for some (and I guess this is the bit that arguably doesn’t compare with drugs) there is immense and long term happiness, which of course, is probably what most of those entering the love arena hope to achieve by going through with it all.

So does love have phases? do you need to be ready for love? how do you know you are ready for love, and of course, know if you are not ready for it?

I shall ponder. I have lots to write.

Breaking Up Is A Hard Thing To Do: Plan Early

Ruben — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 19:27:02 +0000

Woa! I just checked this post out. There’s nothing here which means I must have thought it was a good idea for an article and never got to complete it. I put the title up in 2008. A year later I broke up with someone who was hard to deal with, knowing that the break up was going to be dramatic… maybe violent.. lots of anger and emotion and lots of denial. I guess that’s why I wrote this in 2008. I was right. It was all that and more.

Why Trying To Be Friends With An Old Flame Sometimes Doesn’t Work

Ruben — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 11:37:12 +0000

I believe that there is more value & fulfillment in putting your energies into friendship and kindness than to bitterness and remorse. Having regrets and sadness about experiences from our pasts is only natural and part of the fullness of life we need to all feel to experience the fullness of the earth we live on.

Yet I feel now there are contradictions, maybe exceptions.

I broke up with someone a few years ago and felt I was able to offer a friendship to that person. There was a lot we still had in common. It was hard for both of us for a while and I certainly needed a break but kept on believing that there was always good reason for creating friendships.

Whilst maintaining this friendship I came quite suddenly into a new relationship that felt great and looked to me to have the potential for being a permanent relationship and the one I had been looking for. I felt it was right to let my friend know about this but since we both lead busy lives we were not able to meet for weeks on end, both canceling a coffee catch up opportunity.

My friend was initially positive yet over a short time I felt a change in the person and decided that the intensity of the messages I was getting was probably as good an indication as anyone would get to let me know she had not really got over me & was experiencing quite a bit of emotion about my change in circumstances. I had always wanted to maintain her friendship whilst having my new friendship but now felt this was really impracticable & begun to worry how she would behave when meeting the new person in my life. This was hard for me to acknowledge at first, that I had such an impact on someone but accept it I had to. It felt to me that I had made a mistake in trying to still be friends with the person. Maybe I should have broken all contact with her, for her sake at least, so that she may have been able to move on far quicker than had I been in such regular contact. I took that as a learning and full responsibility for this. Maybe it was right to break all contact swiftly and leave someone’s life so terminally. It wasn’t something I was that used to but I had to accept this was less about friendship and more about the movements of love itself & drew me to face my own feelings about accepting someone could actually love me.

A while ago, I bumped into someone I rarely see in my home town who said a few things that confirmed an extra level to this situation. The lady I had broken up with had been speaking negatively about me to her friends. I took this information with some caution until I had it confirmed again. Quite bitter and derogatory, she clearly had been saying different things to her friends than she had to me. To me she presented her values of friendship and integrity yet to her friends she was angry and accused me of very uncharacteristic behavior. I reflected and took this as an affect of the torment of the situation for the lady, feeling that little was acknowledged of how she still, really felt a lot for me, and I had constantly refused to accept the signs of this.

So my learning from this is that friendships from past relationships will probably only ever work if there has been enough time for the individuals concerned to naturally change their feelings for each other. Changing one’s feelings of course is not something we really have much choice over. We can rationalize to some degree, that may help, but realistically, it has to be time and a change of lifestyle that is going to help us move ourselves on.

Life Is..

Ruben — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 20:29:40 +0000

Life Is Just One Big Game

Life is full of intentions, actions & consequences. You choose to either play it, or sit on the side and watch everyone else.

39 Ways To Live & Not Merely Exist

Ruben — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 12:00:39 +0000

Having dropped out of a relationship I found myself trying to work out what was it I did with my life before hand. Even though it was only a three month ‘fling’ apparently, although I wasn’t aware of it at the time, it seems I have forgotten all my objectives and dreams as part of being sucked into someone else’s life. My love of cars and tinkering, my dreams of travel, my business objectives… in fact, both at the same time, almost, we both realized we had a lot of catching up to do with our businesses and partly felt that the relationship was the thing that had to go. So sad and so untrue.

Anyway, after I picked myself up and dusted myself down it is now time to move forward to create the reality that I want to have with my list of dreams I intend to turn into reality. Remaining sane and with a good sense of who I am, and how to have a successful nurtured relationship that fulfills both people, I move forward, trying on a daily basis not to look back.

Mearly existing is a fall back that is a bad place to be, but, can easily happen, especially in the dark days of winter. However, for survival’s sake (and with a little help with banging my head against a wall on occasions) I do move forward whilst making sense of the madness of the latter days of this summer.

This article at:
Dum Little Man is a great pick me up and I hope, if you are in the same boat as I, you can take some inspiration from it.

Additionally, another quite useful article about the strength of being single is located at: Yahoo Match.com reminds us not to go jumping into a relationship before sorting yourself out properly for the benefit of your own self and stability, but for the benefit of those you will attempt to connect with in the future, and of course, the success of those attempts as well.

Best of luck!!

My children

Ruben — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:09:09 +0000

I think about my children all the time as they are so much part of my life. When There
comes a time to truely reflect on my life i would like to remind myself that it could have been very different. I left long hours commuting and work to be closer to my family. When my wife left, i stayed with the children. For most men unfortunately they end up a part time parent at this point or because of the stress and culture of work are estranged from their children in my opinion.
Sure they are hard sometimes and i also do love my space but conversly i am looking forward to my grand children if i am lucky. I also wish i could be there for my children as they grow old. To be with them & speak with them & to care for them. After a pause to dry my eyes i am thinking about how this could be achieved in ways other than being artificially kept alive in a pickle jar with battery leads sticking out of my head like something from out of Docor Who.

Well, maybe some sort of legacy that is there for hem later in life rather than having to be dumped on them maybe half way through their life ( if i am lucky to live that long). Also i would like to write to them more, write as if i amspeaking to them, a book that can be kept by them for ever as ‘a little bit of me’ that they can keep and open if they need ‘me’ . This is something i have done in the past. I wrote to at least my eldest before she was born. The books havent been written into since i was getting over their mother leaving and i think maybe somewhat stained by my feelings at the time rather than thinking for them.

So. This is my most constructive thought of the day. A new book for each of them, a little piece of me if ever they want me, with consistency of love, unconditionly, with thoughts about life & the risksand rewards it provides. Time to look for suitable books for this job.

Live you life like its the only one you will get

Ruben — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 16:42:34 +0000

I recall a couple of people i have met telling me with a smile that they believe in reincarnation. By thesmile that delivers the announcement it seems to me the thought of reincarnation is a comforting thought that solves that troubled bother of the alternative which is probably to accept non-existance. I dont think we humans are designed to think further than death, and the fear of it reminds most of us to look left and right as we cross the road.

However. Consider for a moment that maybe there is nothing after death.put aside any beliefs you may have for heaven, after life, reincarnation or any form of consciousness. What if there was absolutely nothing.

If this was so, would you make more of the one life you have? Maybe we should all think this way; to make the best we can of this life, to spread love, care, thoughtfullness and respect to all our lives touch.

Then as the lights turn out on your life you know you have lived life to the full, left the world a better place. Then there is only one more thing to do & that is to enter the next stage as your beliefs find you.

Peace

Waiting for a bus

Ruben — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 10:26:06 +0000

It’s often said that life passes by you as you are stearing death in the face. Well, in my present mode of thought, with a very buzzy bee around my head i am thinking the same. The warm september sun is on my back & my bus is late. I have things to do but the bus company decided that it was more important to make me wait 25 minutes. So how about life then? Well i am thinking that identity can be defined in two layers, the layer you wrap around yourself that people see, like your clothing, interests ans behaviour for example, and an inner layer that is closer to you, your deeper self the layer that is harder to reinvent. Its easy enough to go out & change your look, change your hair style or behave in a way you expect suits the social environment, but that inner layer is going to have your deep routed opinions & your fears for example which are harder to change on a whim or cover up when the circumstances challenge them. My bus is now due, my back is lovely & warm so its time i bid you good day.

Peace.

Mid life motivation

Ruben — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:42:11 +0000

I am pretty much overwealmed with all that i need to do and be responsible for currently. All of my own doing. This causes me to really struggle with motivation again. I thought i had found my drive and energy but the to do list weighs me down once again. Its almost like a continuation of a mid life crisis: what is it that will motivate me, excite me and drive me to be fulfilled and do great things? I guess for now the answer is to find some inner peace, to minimise conflict and to reduce the overload of ideas and plans in my head. Much needs to be parked so i can find some, maybe one thing that will give me a rewarding feeling, some positive feedback rather than just be more of a drain on me. I am trying to find the creative drive but with so much crap around it just isnt there. Simplicity is the way forward as much as i can…. For now.

Peace.

Space

Ruben — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 18:50:52 +0000

We all need some space sometime.

Peace.

Restricting kids online access

Ruben — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:34:34 +0000

Ok so this isnt going to be that useful to many people but, if you have a mac, like i do, this may help a little.

I decided i needed some control over my 12 year old’s antics on the internet. I had banned her at least once from Bebo.com for mouthing off too much. However i felt i had better things to do than to keep on trying to work out all her hang outs & what her latest mischeef had resulted in. The standard parental controls, although better tgan your average PC didnt give me the ability to allow her a number of hours per day for named applications and the time window as well. I found a badly marketted app called. GoGoGoKids & decided that although it didnt look that well supported i would take a risk & try it out. Hey it works! I get to state the hours that she can access tge internet & the sites whilst also saying she can only go on between 4pm & 7pm. I also set a similar restriction for Msn messenger and can log every message in & out from that application (& yes her language was shocking). Theres a lot more you can do like log use of an ipod, video and image content aswell. I recon i have at least 6 months before she will work a way around these restrictions

Peace.

Single

Ruben — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 07:37:14 +0000

I wrote a piece last year that described an image I had of a person I knew in my local town. Don’t know her name, nor is this about being attracted to that person. But what I saw was a person who was independent at mid life and looked as if she was in the best place possible; in control of her life, not subjected to the idiosyncrasies of another person’s personal habits and character flaws within her own home and lifestyle.

Now I sit here as a single person again I am reflecting on that vision. I decided that what I felt inside was a strong sense to be independent and be single myself. Not to flounce around dating everyone in site but to be free from deeper relationships. Maybe I will learn more about myself this way too. Im not sure I am cut out for deeper relationships and sometimes think about the things about me that lead me to that conclusion.

I think, again, to some degree, there is an identity development going on for me. Does it ever stop?

Days Like This

Ruben — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:21:21 +0000

Days like this: Midsummer sunset, warm breeze, I want to watch the last of the day’s sun on the last branch on the highest tree.

Squandering Our Lives Away

Ruben — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:14:20 +0000

Perhaps if we counted our age as the (possible) time left we have we wouldn’t squander what we have when we are young. I was listening to a journalist on the radio yesterday who emphasized how very short our lives really are when you think of the potential of what we, as human beings can do.

If we, from a young age were more aware that time was not seemingly almost infinite, perhaps we would realize that from an early start we should make the most of every day.

I am not suggesting we have to rush rush rush, but to savour savour savour. Make every meeting with a person count, make every conversation build and contribute to the collective happiness and love of the world.

Practically, we could take where we live in the world as a starting point for our average life expectancy. We could then be more conscious as we grow older the vices we collect on the way with our lifestyles (such as cigarettes, over eating and lack of exercise) to recalculate our ‘years left expectancy’.

I am sure if we were more conscious as a society of the time each of us had left on this planet we would all do so much more to contribute positively to the well-being of ourselves, the people around us and the planet and nature as a whole.

What do you think?

Leave Your Passion Late To Bite Your Butt

Ruben — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 09:39:44 +0000

I have a strong need to create and fulfil myself. I am not sure exactly how
but I have a few good pointers. But I do feel like I have under-achieved in
life very much so far and am very ambitious about making a change to make it
happen before things are too late.

Nineteen years ago I was in a restaurant, nearly ready to leave when I
noticed who had just come to sit on the table next to us. It was Simon LeBon
with wife and friend. We didn

When Are You Going To Start Living Your Life Like You Dream ?

Ruben — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 07:58:21 +0000

When we are young, our lives stretch out in front of us. We see so many days
ahead of us and we assume that we will live until we are a hundred. Days are
cast by, one after the other as if we are rich with time.

Yet as life goes on, we get more of a perspective. We see that the days when
we were young are not the same as when we are older. We have different
opportunities, but many can not be swapped with our younger times.

45 Years Young

Ruben — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 08:36:17 +0000

I have high blood pressure. Can you believe that? I have sciatica! can you
believe that? Some days I feel like a wreak! All those years of feeling
immortal when I was young… Well, now I am paying for it.

The high blood pressure is a curious one however. I am overweight. I am 6
foot high and weigh around (around = don’t believe me) 15 stone. Doctor says
I am overweight. I know. Four years ago I was 12 and a half stone. I got rid
of the weight then, I can do it again.

Yet the doctor says I will be on blood pressure pills for the foreseeable
future. He says most people start taking them and don

My Greatest Fear In Life Is Failure

Ruben — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 08:08:04 +0000

My greatest fear in life is failure.

Failure to create my kids a happy life with sound characters is a great
fear. I also fear that when I look back on my life I summaries it as full of
missed opportunities and misunderstandings of what really was important to
me. Fear of failing to live up to my dreams through lack of confidence in my
early years, failure to achieve something similar in later life through lack
of opportunity.

If I could say one thing to my 19 year old self it would be to never, ever
hesitate, brush your fears aside since they are only there to stop you, not
warn you of anything that can not be undone, or is there to develop you.
Follow your dreams and live your life as if every day is precious and will
make a difference to your whole life.

Explore and experience, radiate happiness and kindness, give to others on a
daily basis and build a self esteem that needs not rely on anyone else’s
disposition to feel safe and secure.

UK’s Child Support Agency: Completely Useless

Ruben — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 09:41:57 +0000

I recently asked the Child Support Agency if they would advise and help with getting me a fair child maintenance agreement with my children’s mother. My understanding was that they would investigate and help to fully understand her income. I spoke of incomes I was aware of yet when it came to their conclusion it turns out their investigation was no more than phoning her up and asking her what her income was!

I was flabbergasted! what was the result of their ‘investigation’? as a director of her own company, she pays herself £100 per month. Therefore the maintenance due is £5 per week.

So, they ignored the obvious “well how does she keep herself on so little income” and “how can she pay for her 4×4, her dogs, her restaurant meals! Even though I made them aware of her lifestyle they didn’t investigate at all, they just asked her what her salary was. They didn’t check her bank accounts, it didn’t occur to them that might have been informative and tell them something nearer the truth.

A totally wasted exercise and a costly useless government organization. I feel very sorry for those single parents out there who are trying to make a living and bring up their children whilst the other parent can hide behind such a poor weak organization that is supposed to be there to make the challenge of bringing children up fair and to the positive benefit of the children concerned. I would be ashamed to say I was part of the Child Support Agency. How they sleep at night I do not know.

Struggling With Existentialism

Ruben — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 09:12:52 +0000

I give myself a hard time. Unlike most, who are happy to plod through life,
the routine and the life cycle all set out in front of them. I am feeling,
Like Bono once said, that I still haven’t found what I am looking for.

Its not a religious thing, its more about a reason for it all. What is the
reason for my life? I am not looking for a self-proclaimed guru to tell me,
I know I need to find it out for myself.

I just feel that the existence I have, is not enough.

I think to myself, if and when there comes a time when I look back on a long
life, could I honestly say to myself I made a difference, a positive
difference to this earth and the creatures who live on it?

Have I felt fulfilled, have I contributed positively, or, did I just exist
and go through the process of the human life cycle reproducing to then pass
on the challenge to my children to achieve where I had not.

I want to make a positive change to the world we live in. I want my
consumption of the earths resources to be a net positive rather than a net
loss.

I want to make a positive impact on not only my children’s lives but for
others in need and those around me. But not just that, I want to feel and
see that there are things I have done that have helped to steer these hearth
inhabitants and nature towards a better future than that which we currently
have.

Each generation has its own challenges. My previous generation was to ensure
that two empires did not take over and enslave the world. Since then war has
been a common activity yet we also now have the challenge of steering the
world away from destruction by our over-consumption and pollution.

I keep thinking that this is where my opportunity lies. Somewhere here,
amongst the challenges of climate change, environmentalism, human & animal
suffering and extinction.

I shall keep looking and thinking.