11 Do’s and Don’t’s of Surviving Infidelity & Marriage Breakup: (Part One)

You may be facing one of the most significant challenges to your life with infidelity. Unlike many other challenges in life infidelity triggers a multitude of emotions that can have a significant impact on your own well being.

It can make you question yourself as much as your partner. It will eat at your own weaknesses such as a low self-esteem and lack of confidence, even in the strongest of individuals.

You may be sitting there looking at some evidence that proves that infidelity has touched your relationship, or you are reflecting on the recent confession of your partner.

You may feel very shocked, confused, and lonely. You may have many questions, "how did the infidelity happen? why did your partner choose infidelity? when did the infidelity happen? what have I done to deserve this? what about our future?".

For now you need to park these thoughts as they are distracting you from taking control and securing yourself. You need to look after yourself, you need to get together a list of actions to then run through to make sure that you are looking after yourself.

First and always is:

1. Get a Lawyer ASAP

You may be in shock, you may be very angry, you may be in total disbelief but as soon as you discover what has been going on, meet up with a lawyer and discuss options and precautions. Your lawyer will need to be your trusted professional, not emotionally attached and available to give you his or her years of experience in dealing with the challenges people suddenly find themselves in.

Your lawyer / solicitor should be very helpful in dealing with the bickering and backstabbing that you’re partner, and maybe you may begin to get involved in. He or she should be able to slice through the crap and help you to stay focused on helping you work out how to do what you want to do. Meeting a lawyer will be good for another reason too.

By meeting up and discussing your position with a lawyer you will put a strong message to your partner you mean to look after yourself and you will not be messed around.

This may cause your partner to get angry, possibly because they maybe used to having control of you, and being able to carry on without considering you. I would go so far as to say that an affair is a form of abuse. Your partner has abused your trust and the contract of marriage or at least a trusting relationship that you both have entered into.

Don’t forget this; if you ever sit there one day looking for a reason to forgive your partner. Forgive them by all means but don’t be under any illusion about the mistake your partner has made and the effort he or she needs to do understand themselves and the effect they have on others, most of which they are possibly ignorant to or ignoring.

2. Decide What You Want To Do, Don’t Sit There in Denial.

First of all, deciding what you want to do requires a big reality check.

Ask yourself are you still in denial about what has happened? Is your partner trying to soften you up by telling you they are confused, they still love you and are sorry? You must decide is it worth giving them another chance but don’t be in denial. Don’t ever think that things can go back to how they were (or you thought they were) before.

It is very hard to trust someone who has created infidelity within your relationship. It is hard, even if you forgive, to ever trust that they will not go off and secretly develop a separate relationship with someone else.

Consider how your partner’s thoughts and behavior contrasts with yours. Whilst you are possibly thinking things were fine, your partner was escaping to a fantasy. Or is this the case? Are you both feeling like running away and your partner is just the first to make this a reality? Maybe they were the ones to take the first step.

It’s probably too early to start to work out what has gone wrong, right now its time to decide what to do.So if you are unsure even if the situation is unambiguous get your partner and yourself along to a marriage guidance counselor or mediator to talk through what has happened.

You may find your partner will refuse to come along. This is a sign to you of how important the relationship is and if so, you need to re-think how important the relationship is worth attempting to be saved.

I have met many who fight to retain a relationship because they want the family to stay together at all costs. This is in many ways a reflection of their own failed family life as a child, or conversely because they valued their family life when they were young. They value the family so much that even if it is damaging for the children they will try to ignore what should be unacceptable behavior that will effect the children in the longer term.

If you try to mend your relationship and carry on you will always be living with the possibility it will happen again or your partner is still up to something. How sure are you that you can trust your partner again?

I have known couples who have patched things up and carried on for another 40 years. However, if there is a desire and willingness to have an affair you must understand that it is reasonable to expect your partner’s desires to drift again in the future.Ask yourself why is it that you feel the need to continue with the relationship?

What is it about you that wants to continue a damaged relationship? is there something so important and irreplaceable about this relationship? Are you insecure about your own self? do you think no one else will be interested in you? is that why you try to hard to keep something alive that is just not working?

Once you’ve seen a lawyer you will be in a better position to consider your options. Talk to close trusted friends and family but make sure your decision is your own and not the decision of angry or opinionated friends.

3. Resist Being Led By Your Emotions.

I understand this is very hard but getting aggressive or looking up ‘knocking off’ services in the yellow pages will probably come back to bite your butt one day, and you will turn into the ‘bad one’. Leave out the emotions as much as you can and you will be able to get through the hardest part of this process as painlessly as possible.

Accept that you will feel a lot of emotions rush through you and that making decisions or reacting whilst feeling emotional is not in your best interest.

Having your partner choose another over you is quite a knock to your own self-esteem. You will ask yourself questions like, “am I a failure as a woman / man?”, “what has she/he got that I don’t?”, “Does anyone find me attractive?”, “Is that it? Is there any future for me with relationships?”. This is very natural and something that possibly everyone has to go through.

4. Don’t Leave Home.

Don’t run away, the feeling may be overwhelming but you may find if you do, your position with your children may be compromised at least. The desire to run maybe very strong but before you do, make a decision about what you are going to do and set the plan in motion (e.g. having your first lawyer meeting and starting the divorce proceedings).

Then take some time, go away with the children perhaps, giving them a distraction from this, or if you are lucky, get some time alone with friends that you can trust and will listen and give supportive advice.Don’t forget, if you change your mind during this time and you have starting divorce proceedings you don’t have to continue with them if you so wish.

5. Protect Your Children.

When you have made a decision about what you plan to do, if you plan to separate, communicate this to the kids but avoid exposing them to the arguments and petty bickering.

Children don’t heal as easily as some think. Seeing their mum and dad separate will be one of the most significant events of their lives and will, depending on how involved they are with the break-up, have an affect on their relationships in their distant future.

If your partner is unable to co-operate you may have to stand your ground and explain to your children certain issues if your partner insists on dragging the children into the argument however you can seek legal advice on this and if it is becoming a serious problem, you can be granted a court order that will restrict your partner’s ability to do this.

I am being general here because clearly the legalities of what can be achieved vary between state and state and country. But rest assured, if you have a good legal system wherever you are, abusive behavior can be restricted.

Download My E-Book On How To Survive Infidelity & Divorce

Part Two of "11 Do’s And Don’t’s Of Surviving Infidelity" is here.

Guy.

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Filed under: Relationship Break-up

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