11 Do’s And Don’ts of Surviving Infidelity & Relationship Break-up (Part Two)
11 Do’s and Don’ts of Surviving Infidelity, Relationship Break-up & Divorce: Part Two
Click Here For Surviving Infidelity, Relationship Break-up and Divorce Part One.
6. Separate & Manage Your Finances
Set up your own independent account so that any money that you receive yourself, benefit money or income goes into your own bank.
Agree payments for bills, go 50/50 if you can, or if you are not the main income then perhaps some other agreement needs to be considered (i.e. the main income earner continues to pay the bills whilst you agree the separation details).
Seek out financial support from benefits or insurance cover. You may be in a alkward situation where you are having to accept that you are not able to financially support yourself because of your partner being the main breadwinner. Look to get advice on what benefits you are eligable. It may be a culture shock to you, and the paperwork can be particularly guelling.
Paperwork and form filling can be particularly challenging at a time like this but if you can sit down quietly somewhere and work through it over a glass of wine, the following day will be a better one. You might not realise what money you are eligable for.
Close down any joint accounts you have. Whilst you have a joint account you are 50% responsible for any outstanding bills on it. Make it a priority to pay it off, or even just freeze the account so that no additional use can be made of it until your legal settlement can be agreed.
The quicker you do this the less chance there is of financial abuse from your ex-partner and you having to partly or fully repay the bill.
7. List Your Assets
A lawyer may ask you to list absolutely everything you own and from where did the money come from.
This is a tough thing to do, it takes ages and it is a waste of time that can be avoided. Lawyers may tell you otherwise but you can get to an agreement with your ex without both having to spend hours, if not days listing all your possessions.
We are not talking about the obvious things here such as cars and houses (if you are so fortunate) but clothes, jewellery, watches, pens, books and furniture for example.
8. Be Prepared For A Change With All Your Relationships
This is a significant part of the change you will see as a result of a separation. All relationships to a lesser or greater degree will be effected. Be prepared for some competition perhaps with who ‘owns’ which relationship.
For example, how would you feel if your best friend from school spent nights with your partner socialising instead of you? You may have to face up to some hard truths about who is closest to whom. Also consider the following relationships
Neighbours: maybe some maybe supportive but getting involved in your affairs maybe too much for them and they may choose to keep their distance for their own protection.
A relationship issue may risk their own relationship if you have paired up with them at times and loyalties could be split right down the middle.
Friends and couples: you might find that couples aren’t interested in you or your partner anymore because you aren’t a couple anymore. The dynamics for them perhaps are very basic, pair up or ship out.
Additionally, loyalties such as who introduced the couple to the partner may cause friction both with you and with the couple
Relations: normally relations tend to stick to their own relations, however you may find that because relations don’t always get on, others may ‘side’ with you to further their own cause. Also, be careful what information you divulge to your partner’s relatives, don’t be surprised if this information gets back to your partner some how.
9. Be Prepared For Other Issues To Hit You As Part Of The Change In Your Life
For example, will the word get out that you are now ‘available” as a vulnerable person you will have to be careful of others intentions, even professional people you are contracting to help you such as lawyers. I have heard sad stories of unethical counsellors as well as lawyers taking advantage of people at a vulnerable time. Be careful who you trust.
Additionally, it may be a time of a lot of suppressed issues being allowed to come out and be spoken about for both you and your ex-partner. For example, long forgotten issues that have been almost forgotten may come to the surface.
I have heard of many stories coming to the front of people’s minds, and not just about the relationship between you and your ex-partner. Do either of you have memories of dark times in the past that are still unresolved? Do you have issues with how others got involved with your relationship? Parents? Yours or your partners?
Think of it this way, a pond where a stone is thrown into the middle is the affair. The ripples gradually widen out to effect all within the pool in one way or another.
10. Be Prepared for the Propaganda War
You may not want to get involved in sharing your troubles with the world, or conversely feel that the world should know in every detail of the devastation that has been brought onto you.
However, be prepared to hear a different story circulating, that of your ex. His or her story may anger you and you may feel does not represent the full and fair story of what has happened or happening. This may anger you and your reaction may be as a result of the emotions you feel. However, don’t forget, people will make their own decision (most of the time) as to who is being fair.
11. Lastly, Once The Dust Has Settled, Get To See A Counsellor
When you feel things are on their way, and you aren’t finding that day to day functioning is constantly challenged by the thought of your situation consider setting up a set of perhaps 6 sessions with a counsellor. You may want to expend this but six will help for now. Agree and commit to a same time and place per week.
12. Bonus Recommendation!!: Change Your Will Now!!
Get it done, find a family member or long term trusted friend that can support you on this. Get it done as quickly as possible.
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Guy
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Filed under: Relationship Break-up
[...] Ive known some individuals that have absolutely no discretion at all and they still seem to be able to get out of bed in the morning and hold their heads up high. Ive experienced a form of complete denial where a person cannot accept their partner is very bitter about one of the separating partners (which reminds me of the ripple effect I discuss in my 11 Do’s and Dont’s For Surviving An Affair.) [...]