Children Of Divorce Still Need Their Mum And Their Dad
Children Of Divorce Still Need Their Mum And Their Dad
It may not be obvious to all, (and this isn’t meant to be derogatory to those that don’t realise this or are too into their own break-up to have thought this through):
Children need their mum and their dad.
You are excused from missing this point if you are mixed up in the worst break-up experience of your life. I understand because I was. I had so much upset and anger at my ex that I just wanted to take my children away and go live somewhere else.
The bottom had dropped out of my life and I was in pieces. I couldn’t think of anything else but what had happened and the disbelief that surrounded this. It is understandable whilst adults are in this situation feeling this, which they would consider running away with their children. However, for the children it will increase the trauma.
Unless something pretty horrible has happened between a child and a parent a child will always want to be with their mum and dad. They will be traumatised by the split up of their parents although may actually be feeling better in a house that doesn’t involve heated (or worse) arguments.
Children will try to keep hold of the two most important people in their lives and now that they are sitting in different houses, possibly miles apart they are feeling split between you both. Don’t make it harder for them than it needs to be. Think of the happiness of your children and help them keep you both as close to them as they need.
They might try to get you back together again, they might ask if you both will taken them on holiday. As hard as it is for you, and for your children they do need to understand the permanence of the situation. This, although upsetting will enable them to work through it and move on rather than languish wondering if things may change and dad or mum make come back to the house.
Your situation may not be that simple of course. You might find yourself in a situation where you don’t actually know if your partner is returning or not. However you need to get as much control of the situation as you can, for your children’s sake as well as for your own.
If is not fair for a parent to create an insecure situation such as this and the sooner it is clear, which ever way it goes, the better for all.
They will probably miss the absent parent and fantasise about their mum and dad getting back together again and having happy times again before mum and dad started arguing.
You must have heard of the saying that children heal. It is complete rubbish and is an ignorant saying. What actually happens is that the child absorbs the trauma and builds their personality around it, like scar tissue. It will in some way affect their future lives and their future relationships.
One more obvious example of this was someone I knew who put everything into keeping her marriage together for the sake of the children because she was brought up by her mother herself and felt very alone throughout her childhood culminating in a suicide attempt when she was 18.
Her husband was having an affair and at one time made her and his mistress pregnant at the same time. Twenty five years on, in her time of need when she had cancer he had another affair and spent the next four years moving between wife and mistress.
Yet she still hoped for it all to end and let him continue to take control until the day she finally threw him out.
Kids get fed up with parents bickering, they get affected by the issues if they are drawn into them by selfish thinking parents. They get fed up with being transported from one house to another. Research tells us that kids are left less scarred if they can call one house home and that is where they spend the majority of their time.
Being split exactly equal between two houses is only ok for the parents and has nothing to do with how the kids feel most of the time. However kids will always be feeling bad about loyalty to each parent, and it gets worse when some selfish parents try to put their own emotions onto them. They get very upset.
I asked my youngest the other day, “would you like to spend the night before your birthday with mum?” her response was to burst out crying and eventually say, “ I don’t know, I love you both the same amount” Clearly she had been drawn into some loyalty issue which I sure is nothing I have done (although if I find out I will ensure I make corrections).
However she was feeling terrible about having to make a choice between mum and dad.
I am aware that mum does put some emotion into her relationship with our children. She tells them of her financial crisis and that she can-not pay maintenance to dad.
She tells one of my daughters not to use the phone she pays for to call or text my partner (more than likely because with a new woman in the house she is feeling threatened by her presence and, since she will feel some degree of failure as a mum because she left the family home to live with another man this will make it worse).
When one of my children doesn’t want to visit mum on their regular Sunday meeting with mum she makes them feel guilty by rejecting them. Essentially what she is doing is offering love conditionally which obviously makes any child feel terribly sad and possibly try harder to please them.
If the parent is overly narcissistic they will pick up on this and use this again and again to get the lavishings of love and presents that a narcissist needs continuously and copiously.
In this particular case the best way to help your child is to tell them you have made the decision for them. Also tell them that it is fine for them to choose whoever they want to be with, it is up to them and it is not a reflection of who they love the most. Both mum and dad love them very much and want them to be happy so their should be no problem.
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I say this last sentence with caution because when you start to speak on behalf of your ex-partner you may find your words come back to haunt you if your ex-partner rejects their children when they form a new family and your words are clearly incorrect. Check out my Ten Do’s and Don’ts of Managing Children After Divorce Here.
Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.
Guy
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Filed under: Parenting, Post Divorce & Midlife Crisis, Relationship Break-up
[...] to your revulsion that anyone would want to be with your ex-partner. Its different for children. Children need their mum and dad don’t [...]
[...] to your revulsion that anyone would want to be with your ex-partner. Its different for children. Children need their mum and dad don’t [...]