Disruptive Things Ex-Partners Do

Posted on February 5th, 2008 by Guy Lewis

Disruptive Things Ex-Partners Do

I have collected some thoughts on how estranged partners can make their best efforts to disrupt your life. Bitter ex-partners do this to punish you.

They maybe angry at your infidelity or feel bitter that the divorce settlement was so unfair, or perhaps cannot deal with your rejection of them (especially in the case of a particularly narcissistic individual.)

They may on the other hand be emotionally unstable at this time (I can hear a few of you now wondering if your ex-partner was ever emotionally stable) and be quite irrational about their behaviour, such as threatening to jump off a cliff.

Lets start with that one.

Threatening to jump off a cliff

This old chestnut. “Hi, Im standing on a cliff edge and Im going to jump if you don’t come back to me”. This is emotional blackmail from a person who is thinking irrationally about the breakup of your relationship.

However hard it is, you need to stop rescuing them, if that is what you are inclined to do. They may seem pathetic and in need but they are putting themselves in a position to threaten you into acting the way they want you to.

Convincing your ex-partner that they have to accept your relationship is over under the circumstances is not easy. With some empathy you need to convince them that your relationship is over and that you cannot care for them anymore. It is their choice to jump or not, not yours. If you go running to save them, you will only delay the emotional un-tying that will still need to be done.

Other emotional abuse

At other times unbalanced and upset ex-partners can become obsessive about you. Convinced you are having an affair when you are not, denying that the breakup of a relationship is really just about you two not getting on anymore for example. Your ex-partner may choose to call you up late at night and not speak down the phone.

You may find them turning up at your work place, or at your social events, or hiding behind the grocery isle when you go shopping.

You may have the ability to help them move on with some careful yet assertive wording.

If you can convince them they are being irrational and that they need to take some space they to calm down and accept what is happening then you are doing well. Otherwise you need to get legal advice, which may end up in getting a legal restriction on your ex-partner and how close they are legally allowed to get to you.

Highly charged ex-partners can turn into stalkers. You may not understand how desperate your ex-partner will come. You may not know them well enough under this situation to understand how they will act so the best thing is to get legal advice before it becomes dangerous.

Physical violence

Get a friend of a friend to beat them up or damage their house. Believe me, I was offered this service as the sun was shining at the local school sports day. Such jolly discussions we parents have sometimes. Of course I politely declined making a mental note not to step on that individual’s toes in the future myself.

Alternatively an angry ex-partner with the ability to get physical about how they feel is certainly someone who should be avoided at all costs. You may have reason to believe your ex-partner can demonstrate physical violence before you get to separate. Maybe this is one of the main reasons why you are separating as it is.

Seek legal advice and understand the process that needs to take place to gain a restriction on a person who may cause you injury or threats. Look to secure yourself and your home as soon as you can.

Misinformation

Troubled estranged partners make efforts to communicate their emotions in new ways once you have severed your connection with them. They will try to draw you back to them emotionally to care for them, trying different ways to weave themselves back into their lives.

By sending information to you via the children is a common one. The poor children don’t understand and can be upset by what has been said, such as, “dad says he’s going to go back to the other side of the country to live near Gran and Grandpa again”

You then end up having to call to sort out the truth on behalf of the children, whilst your ex-partner laps up the control they feel they have over you at the time, perhaps even believing that you are also upset to hear the ‘news’ and ignores the slight jubilation in the tone of your voice that this big mistake in your life is going to volunteer to move a long way away to let you get on with your new life with your children.

Again, be careful not be to drawn into showing too much sympathy for them. The more you give, the more they will try to put it on you.

The information may come via other ways, a friend by chance tells the news around town to you. You receive a text or email by mistake that was “meant for someone else”

So many times Ive sent a txt to my ex-wife by mistake (no, really!), so the more embarrassing for me. Especially the one that started, “darling…”

But then I guess it makes up a little for me finding out my ex-partner was having an affair on the eve of Christmas via text. A story for another time perhaps…

Not turning up, or turning up late for meetings and handovers

A great one to trigger some emotion, but don’t forget that’s what they want to do, annoy you to make them feel great they have punished you. Try taking a book or a friend along to show you have all the time in the world. You may know each other too well to hide your anger.

Perhaps if you arrange the time so that if they are late it doesn’t matter, it will take the pressure off.

However be warned; if you plan to meet for something like a child handover time just before you go off on holiday or have another timed event straight after, its just too tempting for the bitter ex-partner who wants to punish you at any move.

They will for sure be late and make you wait causing you stress later on.

Disrupting weekends and holidays away from the children

To counter act this, don’t plan things straight after a hand over, give yourself a good period of time, and as much as you can, don’t tell your children what’s going on.

For instance, don’t tell your children you are going away for the weekend when they are off to see mum or dad. If your ex-partner is so inclined, when they hear your news they may contact you and tell you they cannot look after your children that weekend.

You are now caught, you can’t go away, your new relationship (if you have one and are going away with them) is strained and your ex-partner is probably jumping around in their lounge laughing at the disruption they have caused.

If you are in doubt about your ex’s inclination to do this, try telling your ex-partner you are going away on a certain weekend and see what the effect is either straight away or at the last minute. Forewarned is forearmed.

Refusing to return children and claiming you, or your new partner are abusing them

Kids can sometimes say funny things. My partner’s child once said that I had kicked her, then asked her mum if she believed her, or me. It was clearly a test for mum set out by a child who was unsure if mum was going to run off into the sunset with her new boyfriend and leave her abandoned.

However, if she had told her father, it may have been something that could have been made use of to cause disruption for the sake, again, of punishing his ex wife for rejecting him.

I heard a story once where a man told his solicitor he was taking his daughter away from her mother because she wasn’t looking after her. The lawyer laughed and told him not to be so stupid. He had no grounds for doing so and all concerned had already learnt the man was vicious and was doing similar things to hurt his estranged wife. He returned the child, somewhat traumatised by the event, to her mother.

I guess with all situations we have to consider how desperate an estranged partner is, how much do they genuinely miss their children and how real do they think (rightly or wrongly) that their children are being abused in some way.

The test for this is to offer to meet to discuss or even do so in the presence of a professional mediator who can then control the discussion and minimise the emotive language.