Do You Suspect Infidelity?

Are you a victim of infidelity? If you are there must be a lot going on for you right now and you have my understanding. I wanted to put some thoughts down for you about the situation you are in as if I was a friend talking to you. Clearly not easy since we are not friends, but I recall the time when I found out, with no uncertainty that my wife was having an affair and having a good friend close by to hear me out and give me some advice that might have cut through the delusion & confusion I was feeling would have been valuable.

Firstly, you know your situation better than I. However, if you do have a friend who can hear you out and listen to you rant about what has happened, they might be very helpful in making you see some clarity of the situation. However at the end of the day, always, it will be your call how to take any advice. I can look back at my situation and Im sure if I had been different things may have been worse for me in the long run, although Im sure there were many things I should have done that would have made things better for me.

Gaining Some Clarity Of Your Situation

I guess the first thing I would say to a friend that was telling me they had just found out about their partner’s infidelity would be, “how sure are you?” do you have proof, have they admitted? What did you discover or has someone else told you something? For the benefit of clarity as you move forward with this issue, you need proof, or an admission.

If you have that then you will be clear about your situation rather than finding yourself in a position of limbo, not knowing really what is happening. Maybe your partner won’t admit, but cannot stop seeing another person. So maybe you need to hunt out the truth and present them with it. If you feel this sort of confrontation will lead to an angry or violent situation, have someone with you to witness or look for legal advice first if you feel you might need some protection.

Once you have clear proof then in some ways its downhill from here. What I mean by that is that for some people they can find themselves in a position of doubt for a long time, if not indefinitely. This is a terrible situation to be in. People who find themselves in this position feel trapped and imprisoned, not knowing what to do and whether to trust their partner or not. At this time whilst no decision is being made on what to do because you are unsure what is going on, it is a good time to take some therapy to build up your confidence. By doing so you might find the answer to the situation lies with you rather than the ambiguous actions of your partner. Maybe a boost in self confidence is all you need to feel that you can survive without them and that you deserve better than how they are treating you, irrespective of their possible infidelity.

Dealing With The Shock Of Infidelity

So, once you have proof you can begin to get back some control of the situation. Whilst your partner has been having their affair without your knowledge they have been abusing you and your family and friends. Knowing what they have been up to means that now you can sit down and take control of your life.

I understand at this point your confidence will be broken. You will be wondering what can the other person give that I cant? Why did he/she choose him/her over me? is that it for me? am I that unattractive?

The answers to these questions are to be resolved in the future, and, in my experience once you have regained confidence in yourself you will find that you are attractive to many and you will feel good about yourself.

You might feel that is a long way away but give it time, you need to mend from the shock and the hurt for now. Take time with friends and look for activities that can give you some time away from thinking about it.

This may take time too but that old saying that time heals is, unfortunately, true. I recall the only thing that stopped me constantly thinking about my wife’s infidelity was taking a sport up that forced me to concentrate for periods of time.

Once I stopped concentrating and I recalled my situation the shock felt as if it would knock me to the floor. However, it didn’t, and over time I learnt to focus on other things to rebuild my life.

Dealing With The Reality Of Your Partner’s Behaviour
It can be hard to imagine that the person you married or joined with many years ago, and who you both committed to forever is now convicted of the worst relationship crime.

You may feel that it cannot be possible, and maybe you can get back together. They must still love you surely? What can you do to mend and get things back to how they were before?

But can you forget? And are they remorseful? What will they do to prove they have made a mistake and will work on ensuring whatever drove them to loose their honour can be sorted out to change their behaviour?

Some go through some very confusing times, and let us not deny anyone the ability to make mistakes. Yet, if you have a balanced self esteem and are not just wanting your partner back because you feel so low of yourself, think about what it takes to cheat on the person you have committed your life to. How confused must that person be to do this? What is it that they need to do to work through their issues to come out the other side feeling that this isnt their chosen way to behave.

Don’t degrade yourself by accepting a serial adulterer. You deserve better than that. If you cant change your partners ways, then look to change your partner.

Can Adulterers Really Change Their Spots?

Personally, I struggle with the concept that you can work on your marriage to save it even if there has been infidelity. I allow adverts on this site that promote this view because I am happy to be proven wrong, as in, if a couple find that they can make up and are truly, genuinely happy then that cant be a bad thing.

The thing that bothers me about infidelity is that although someone might be in a bad place themselves to loose themselves in an affair, I would have to question if they ever have enough conviction to mend themselves into someone who has honour and integrity again.

Recently I met a man in his 50’s who in his early 20’s had an affair, yet was still married to the lady now that he was then. They mended their relationship and continued to have a good life together. However it is not hard to imagine the lady would have often wondered what her husband was up to. He didn’t confess to any other affairs but said he had married too young and struggled with the responsibility of matrimony. He learnt the hard way but it seems he learnt,

Now can you say your relationship is similar? What excuse does your partner have for bringing another into your family? And possibly the most important question, why did they choose to do this without separating first? Is home life so comfortable that they are choosing to have another whilst enjoying the family home?

They may say things about not wanting to hurt you, or the children. This maybe partly true but don’t forget how easy it also would be to continue in a self indulging world of adultery whilst enjoying the benefits of a cosy family home and all the domestic features that can offer.

An Adulterer will be ‘having their cake and eating it’, a self indulgent world where no single partner is serving all their needs.

Don’t be deluded by this. Someone with integrity and honour will not have an affair and not tell you because they don’t want to hurt you or the children. They are having an affair because it suits their own needs.

What they don’t have the courage to do is to face you and say how they feel about you and someone else they have met.

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Guy

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Filed under: Relationship Break-up

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