An amicable separation turns sour? How does that happen?

When both have good intentions and there seems to be no reason to decide to fight?

Yet each player within it never sees it coming, so Im hoping you are able to read this before it happens to you and so be better prepared to cope with what is possibly ahead.

Step One: The Amicable Marriage Breakup

The couple decide for what ever reason that it isnt working for them and that they would be better apart than living for any longer together.

They feel sad yet optimistic about staying friends and keeping in close contact for the benefit of each other & for the children.

Step Two: Independence and Responsibility Clash

Being out of a relationship again opens up the world to you again. You are independent. Free to make choices without having to consider what your ‘other half’ thinks.

You can go to bed whenever you want, and its only you that suffers the rough-ness in the morning when you have to get up to work. You may, for the first time in a long time if not, ever, be able to be completely selfish and indulge your narcissistic side. It’s a good feeling for many. For the first time in a long time perhaps you feel very happy.

Yet if you have children who need supporting and are still living at home you will likely have agreed to share that responsibility with your estranged partner. If you both work, someone still has to drop them of and pick them up from school. And what about weekends? Did you agree you would have them for EVERY weekend for the rest of your foreseeable life?

As your responsibilities conflict you and your ex-partner will no doubt find times when you or your partner might try to re-arrange agreements to fit in with your new found lifestyle. Sometimes that will work, other times it wont and the conflict will test your relationship at a time when you both are perhaps feeling particularly narcissistic.

Conflict between narcissistic individuals is quite a firework of moods at the best of times so look out for some middle aged individuals acting like teenagers again, including yourself.

So you have to discuss arrangements with your estranged partner. Their agenda, and yours might be very focused on each of your own needs and so the discussion will feel odd, having perhaps never had a conversation like this before with your ex. The rules played out when you were together will have changed.

One of you might have been more assertive than the other, and so normally getting their way. Now it may be different. The balance of power may be even again and you will need to play out the roles again to see what happens, who wins, if anyone. This maybe hard for some who are used to getting their own way and so cause some emotions and harsh words.

Step Three: Anger and The Fight Begins

As your lives develop separately, your motivations and wants will become different. Parts of your personalities that have not been explored for a while, or ever will want to be nurtured.

Some extreme behaviour and tastes may come to the surface that you want to nurture but also startle those around you, particularly your children and your estranged partner. But who cares? It’s your life now and you can do what you want. Almost.

Eventually, one day the two will clash. In one ear you have a gorgeous new human who is temping you and in the other you have the old relationship calling up asking where are you, you were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago to pick up the kids. Now your estranged partner is late for their ‘new relationship’ and you might feel angry about it.

Your ex-partner is hassling you like a mother, forcing you back to responsibilities when all you want to do is be reckless and have more fun.

Your ex-partner might be aware of your new relationship and begin to wonder, “What has he/she got that I don’t have? Why have you chosen him/her over me? Why does my life have to stop just because of you”?

I think every teenager has once called out, “(mother / father), you are ruining my life!” now you might find yourself doing it once again.

So you are like a teenager again. Enjoying the midlife crisis and feeling so, so selfish yet mixed with charged emotions about your own self-esteem because of your marriage failure.

Anger will be charged as you start the process of divorce. Divorce is such an emotion-less process, yet it formalises the separation of two individuals at a time of your most stressful and emotional for years or ever.

One of you may have to look for another place to live. How long do you have to wait for the financial agreement to then be able to buy yourself your own place?

And what about child maintenance? What about paying the household bills to keep the children with a roof over their head? One of you will have to accept that a portion of your salary will go straight into another’s bank account. Do you feel that is fair? Why cant they go out and get a job near the school?

Step Four: Hatred and Complete Communication Breakdown

By now one or both of you despise the other, seeing all the failures and faults of the marriage in their hands. I have heard some at this time being delusional about their own contribution to the failure of the marriage.

Sitting alone in your house, you can spend a lot of time building up the story in your head whereby you had no fault in the breakup and it was all the other person’s fault, leaving you the victim.

As illustrated with the conflicts above, you or your ex-partner might begin to channel all the anger of the situation against you or your ex, blaming the other for everything, blaming them for stopping you doing exactly what you want whenever you want. Did you really want children? Whose idea was it in the first place?

You might begin to wonder about everything and blame your ex-partner for it all.

Step Five: May Never Happen

One day, you and / or your partner may be able to look back and be tired of fighting.

You both may realise that the anger and fighting effects and darkens your own life so whilst you have a need to communicate because of the children, then it might be better to just get on with it and communicate respectfully for at leastyour own peaceful life if not also for the children’s sake.

However this may never happen. Particularly narcissistic individuals will never be able to comprehend the rejection of a separation in whatever way it happened to them.

Their cognitive process, formed at an early age told them that the world revolved around them and so anything or anyone that does not serve that great cause deserves to be banished from the world or punished for eternity.

Recognise the narcissism in you today and you will be in a better position to understand yourself and understand what you need to do to control your feelings.

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Click here to check out a great article on relationship break-ups covering some interesting points we all need to consider.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.

Guy

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