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6 Points For Securing Your Privacy When Your Relationship Breaks Up

Posted on December 16th, 2007 by Guy Lewis

Securing Your Privacy During And After A Separation.

I want to give you some warnings here about how desperate and innovative people can be to get hold of what you are thinking or doing whilst you are separating towards a divorce.

Because both you and your soon-to-be ex will be not so open with your thoughts and plans (to say the least!!) your secrecy will fuel suspicion and mis-trust. This can raise stress levels within both of you as you are unaware of what the other is up to and so the spiral continues with more mistrust and suspicion. If there are other people involved, i.e. at least one of you is seeing someone else, the desparation to find out what is going on may become unbearable and some may find it hard to resist using subversive ways to find out about what really the other is thinking or doing.

This reminds me of a call I received one afternoon from a lady who, although embarrased at doing so, called to ask me who I was. She explained that her husband had confessed to an affair and she was trying to find out who he had called on that day. She had got hold of a phone usage list for the day he admitted having met with the other woman and was phoning all the numbers to talk to whoever would answer. I pitied the lady and we briefly discussed how she felt. Although she had accepted what had happened she was upset and was ‘looking for closure’.

Use this as a checklist to see how exposed you are today and do something about it quickly.

Paper Information and Documents
As described above, paper information such as bills will provide information about your plans and actions. Additionally, documents that you own or part own such as property and receipts for possessions will need to be kept in a dafe place preferably away from the house.

If you jointly have the right to posses these documents (such as house deeds) you should look to hold these with an independent professional such as a lawyer and then make photocopies for both of you whilst you proceed with your divorce.

Computer Stored Information & Email Transactions
If someone else has access to your computer they can find out what you have written in your emails, even if you use web based, password protected accounts such as yahoo, hotmail AOL etc. Be under no illusions about some people’s efforts to get access to what you are thinking.

Also ask yourself some additional questions; is your ex involved in supplying the telecom or Internet service to your house? Or does he or she know someone who does? There is a possibility that they will be able to get hold of your email transactions if they cant get access to them in your home by tapping into your phone line somewhere. Of course this is illegal but as Ive already said, a relationship break-up creates desperate people.

Wireless connection to the Internet? Again, if this wireless link within your house is not secured, someone could tap into your network connection and even access your computer that way to read what you are up to, and see all that is on your computer. Make sure you have someone independent check it all again and reset the passwords and also check for any odd looking boxes plugged into network connections for example.

Hacking from the Internet: it’s not impossible to set your computer up so that it is accessible form the Internet from the other side of the world either. When it is on and connected to the Internet, which if you have broadband will mean you are connected all the time. Best get an independent computer expert to check out and run through some security settings for you. Make sure the guy knows your computer system well (i.e. Mac or PC).

Double-check the list of email addresses you are sending your mails to. Check also that someone hasn’t tampered with your email accounts putting someone else’s mail address under someone’s name.

Private Detectives
In some parts of the world private detectives are more common than others, but consider that a professional or private detective could be following you. You shouldn’t be ashamed to be anywhere at any time but Im sure you will want your privacy. Maybe Im getting paranoid myself here but be warned about talking in public places too. Someone maybe listening in, or using audio technology to listen in to your conversations from a long distance away. It has happened before for private use and industrial espionage.

Word of Mouth
Do you have a close friend? Is he or she there for you when you are down and is always ready to listen? Is this same person in a relationship with your ex’s best buddy and your ex is finding out all your dirt because your friend gossips in confidence with his/her partner? Boy, I’ve found out some interesting things that way and it certainly warned me not to respond with my own personal information knowing it will travel the gossip wire across the whole community.

Ive known some individuals that have absolutely no discretion at all and they still seem to be able to get out of bed in the morning and hold their heads up high. Ive experienced a form of complete denial where a person cannot accept their partner is very bitter about one of the separating partners (which reminds me of the ripple effect I discuss in my 11 Points For Surviving An Affair.)

This individual was seen by a lady undergoing a separation as her confidential ally in helping her start a new life away from abuse and suppression. Later on however she found out that her ex was hearing everything that went on through this individual. Everything. The denial was as strong and resistant as I talk about in Where To Go When You Can’s Cope Anymore & A Thick Layer Of Denial. What makes this harder was that the confidential ally was the lady’s close brother. How despicable is that. I’m so tempted to name him here.

Children
I make a separate section here for children. Always innocent and the victims of a separation they may see or hear things they shouldn’t. Put it this way: If you say something in front of your children, expect it to be said to your ex. So don’t say anything.

Keep the kids out of your relationship issues. They have a right to not be involved and be used as a weapon. Remind your ex that too if you hear anything from them that is worrying them. Take a zero tolerance to this lack of discretion and seek your lawyer’s advice when this happens. A warning letter of restriction to access to children may be a hard hand but at the end of the day the personality development of your children is at hand. Lets let them grow up well-balanced individuals. The old saying, kids mend is total rubbish. They will take it into their adult lives and it will affect their own relationships.

Telephone and Mobile Phones
Much of what is said under the computer paragraphs is the same here, double check who you really are sending your texts to. Ive sent mails to my ex by mistake sometimes which is a little embarrassing for me but nothing too hot so far!! . Check the phone numbers have not been changed which will mean you are texting your ex with your whereabouts rather than your mother. Don’t forget, phones can be bugged too.

Ultimately, if you are doing no wrong you should have nothing to hide, and so have nothing to fear. However, in the game of separation and divorce, you will best hide everything to fear nothing.