Are You A Victim Of Infidelity, Or A Survivor?

Posted on March 30th, 2008 by Ruben

In your midlife crisis are you the victim? Where you have discovered someone else’s infidelity, are you the victim?

Ive put some thoughts down here to try to make you think about this because its not always clear who is the victim, and if in fact it really matters. Even more importantly, labelling someone a victim can be counterproductive to them. Being a victim may feel justified when you have been cheated but it wont help you move on with your life.

Being a victim is the beginning of a sad slope down to a delusional state where you deny all responsibility for the bad things that have happened to you, blaming everyone else and denying any involvement yourself.

Being a victim is great for narcissists since they can use it to get others to do things for them, look after them and ultimately abuse others for their own cause. Loosing the label of a victim can mean you have to get on and take control of your life and sort it out. Something that some individuals don’t want to do.

Imagine for years feeling bitter about your partner’s relationship and never being able to move on with other relationships because they fail due to your anger and labelling as a victim. Playing the victim means you need others to look after you. You need a knight in shining armour to rescue you and take you away from the dark horrible things that have happened to you. But by doing so you are not acknowledging the contribution you may have made to the breakdown, and also you are loosing control of your own life.

Who is the victim in a marriage breakup is sometimes about ‘who’s side you are on’ when it comes to a marriage breakup. “Of course the other party is to blame for my child’s infidelity, she was driven to it through years of his funny ways.”

Consider also this: a lady who had an affair and left the family home to be with her new man, leaving the children with her estranged husband. The children felt so sorry for the mother because she had to (chose) live in a half renovated house.

Consider also the man who had countless affairs because he was so unhappy in his own marriage & looked to counselling for positive regard and collusion with his feeling of being a victim.

To be a victim you have to be free of any contribution to your situation. Then again, if you never contributed to your situation then you are not taking control of your life & your relationship.

If you have found your partner is having an affair then the above is not easy to digest. Of course your partner is to blame, and you are the victim. You didn’t deserve this, you didn’t ask for it or provoke it. You feel abused and traumatised by what has happened. Yes, you are the victim. But how long are you going to stay the victim before getting yourself up and taking control of your life? Your estranged partner has taken control from you by committing adultery, now its time for you to take that control back.

If you are in control then you are responding positively to the situation. Being a victim is a passive state that leaves you nowhere positively. As I have described above it can give you some control over others but it isnt going to get you riding high on life’s wave.

Take some time to wonder why your estranged partner was inclined to do it. What is missing from your relationship or from their personalities? It easy to blame the adulterer for their infidelity and their weak character, but consider why are they so weak in the first place. What sort of up bringing prepared them for a nurturing relationship? Are they themselves the victim of their parent’s own break up, now manifesting itself in their inability to commit to another on a permanent basis because of fear of rejection and abandonment

With relationships as always it’s a double-edged sword because there maybe never enough you can do for your partner in the relationship. If so, you have to acknowledge this and decide what to do to get out of the relationship and find a new one (if you want to try again) that fits with your needs.

By taking control and realising that you weren’t the right person for your partner, because you cannot achieve mutual happiness, you are acknowledging that your relationship is flawed because of both of you. Your needs don’t match your partners. Perhaps only by being in a relationship with someone do you ever realise that the relationship does not work. But at least you have tried, for by not trying you would have never known. And now that you are acknowledging this, you are moving on constructively rather that sitting playing the role of the victim.

When infidelity happens, blame on the adulterer occurs straight away and the abused other partner is seen as the victim. It is natural for the abused partner to look for sympathy and accept the victim label given to them by others. However it does not help you move forward, it only labels you and keeps you in a place of loss and failure.

Don’t be a victim of Infidelity, be a survivor of infidelity. Forget the past, don’t let it drag your future down.