The Cutting Of Threads In A Relationship Break-up

Posted on February 18th, 2008 by Guy Lewis

The Cutting Of Threads In A Relationship Break-up

I want to write something about the process of separation. What I want to say is important because it puts the process into perspective and I think for some people it will help them understand what is happening to them in real time.

I have thought about this based on my own and other’s experiences of separating from someone very close to them. Consider your relationship to be a mass of threads that connect you to that person.

Each thread is part of your relationship. So, for example, what routines do you have? Does one of you regularly get up before the other in the morning? Or do you get up first during the week and your partner used to get up early at the weekend?

That is one thread of your relationship. Things you loved about each other, things you shared together, these are the connections between you and your partner. As you separate, one day you will find that this wakeup routine does not exist anymore. Or you both don’t sit down to watch your favourite program on TV. It might also be sad to consider things such as possessions and favourite songs you both loved now have a sad meaning now that the bubble of your relationship has shattered.

The threads of a relationship would be, under normal circumstances, wide, varied and large in volume. If your relationship has become less of one in recent times, perhaps because of infidelity going on, or one of you is depressed or dealing within something else as part of a midlife crisis, then the relationship you will have today will be noticeably less that the relationship that perhaps you both enjoyed together a while ago.

So, as you move on, if your relationship issues aren’t resolved, no amount of relationship advice restores you both to where you both loved each other then I guess you might be looking to separate.

If this is a slow process, like you are still getting on but have both accepted its time to move on and so are working through things carefully and one of you is finding a new place to live. In this case, the changes to you and your estranged partner’s life will be gradual. Its not like you or your partner have just up’ed and left. If you can change this gradually then the effect on you will be easier.

Contrast this to coming home one day and finding a letter that says your partner has gone off to another continent with a colleague from work and will never be seen again.

Something so out of the blue is such a shock, your mind will probably be overwhelmed by all the issues that this raises about what has actually happened, why wasn’t anything said, what did you do wrong? You will feel angry, you will feel confused, you will feel bitter and of course, very upset and shocked.

This sudden cutting of all threads of a relationship can traumatise people into changing how they feel about a lot of things, noticeably trusting other people in the future. I’ve briefly written recently about Adjustment Disorder for which there are some good explanations out on there to help you understand the difference between Adjustment Disorder and Depression.

But in the context of a sudden separation I think it is very understandable how suddenly having to work out how to try to adjust to a new situation that is put on you without your control or any intention, can become an Adjustment Disorder condition.

Likewise you may feel the same sudden-ness of loss when someone close to you dies. It is very similar in terms of loss, but very different in terms of considering the person who has left has done so by intent (although maybe ill themselves if they are undergoing a mid-life crisis)

The threads of a relationship being disconnected from you maybe the first signs you have that your partner is not happy and wants to distance themselves from you for some reason. The best thing you can do is talk about things. Try to get as much from them about how they are feeling as you can.

Maybe they are finding things hard and talking about it is a challenge to them. Alternatively, what you hear may not be really what is happening so you will need to be careful that you maintain your own health throughout this troubled time as best you can so as to be in the best position to look after yourself.

It can be easy to become depressed by a partner’s distancing which will leave you in a worse position if something serious happens along the way. If they eventually leave you when you were already depressed you are going to find it much harder to get yourself up and out of the situation again.

In relationships it is natural for each of you to have some dependability on each other. Even if it is that one looks after the maintenance of the cars whilst the other does well in choosing the evening meal from the local store. As you separate, even slowly, these routines and arrangements will probably be lost and so new arrangements and routines will have to be created by yourself. Additionally, you probably might have at one time in your life have been and needed to be emotionally supported. Where will that support come from now? Who can you trust? Who is next in line to be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on?

Someone I knew worked through a marriage break-up over a year. The lady was intending to move away from the area and so needed accommodation and employment where she wanted to move to. There were bank accounts to close down, but new arrangements for sharing the bills of the house needed to be made as they started to separate.

Bit by bit these arrangements were set up and the old arrangements closed down. Whilst these more practical threads of a relationship were being cut she also noticed the subtle cutting of emotional and more intimate threads.

For example, they would not sit too close to each other in the same room. Eventually they weren’t to be seen in the same room and also chose not to spend much time in the house whilst each was there. The lady was able to reflect on her separation and see almost every minute change in their relationship happening day by day. The change of lifestyle for each of them was not sudden, and they had reasonable time to adjust so did not fall into an adjustment disorder or depression.

For many of us we don’t have the chance to take things carefully and slowly and the shock is on us within seconds of the full implications of our situation. But if you understand that the shock and any depression or adjustment disorder symptoms are directly related to how sudden you situation has changed then maybe this will help you understand what it is you need to do to move out of the trauma and get on with your life. For example, taking the 11 point list I have put together and getting someone else to help you with it means that a lot of the practical things that you might need to deal with are on their way quickly and safely so that you will have more time to sit and work through the feelings you will need to deal with.

Unfortunately, there is no alternative to dealing with how you feel in real time and the old saying that ‘time heals’ is really the only way ahead. All you have to do is make sure you do what ever you need to do, with what ever help there is available to heal yourself.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post them here.