Are You Still The Baby Of The Family At Midlife?
Are You Still The Baby Of The Family Even At Forty?
Sibling and parent relationships don’t tend to change over a lifetime. Even if you are in your forties and seeing the wrinkles appearing you will still be the baby of the family to your other sisters and brothers.
Why is this?
Why do we look to continue the relationship as if we have not developed or moved on, seeing our youngest as if they were ‘just a kid’ still?
It seems that we, as humans, tend to just want to label each other, we decide on an identity for each of our siblings and in many ways the sibling will adopt that identity because that is what everyone says about them.
So the identity is formed whilst the family is created, and everyone is comfortable that the dynamics of the family are static and wont change.
The baby of the family might get fed up with everyone else telling them what to do or how to do it or what to avoid. Perhaps the feeling that they are being considered un-able to look after themselves is still part of the label they have. Perhaps they have chosen to own that label a little in their reckless behaviour when they were younger.
Maybe mum and dad look after them too much, also falling into the trap of feeling that the youngest needs to be wrapped in bubble wrap whilst seeing the elders getting on with life with little or no need for rescuing. Mums and Dads continue to feel they are needed whilst they struggle with their own midlife crisis of nearing the ‘empty nest’ syndrome.
What happens when the parents, or at least a dominant parent dies? The dynamics and the natural hierarchy of the family breaks down. It is time for the family to decide if it wants to continue to nurture that family, or is it time for them to move a step away to focus on creating the own developing families?
Maybe someone take over as the leader of the family. Whilst this is going on the youngest might decide, actually, they are fed up with being ‘the kid’ of the family, the clown perhaps, the one that everyone chooses to knock down or at least think they can not manage life without a regular dose of advice from the elder brothers and sisters.
It can be frustrating for some to have to listen to their elder siblings bending their ear all the time. Its as if they have no ability to make their own decisions and explore life’s experiences themselves. Like before, an identity may be created where they believe this is who they really are and always look up to their older siblings, believing that they really do have a lot more experience and that they will always rely on them to help them through their own challenges in life.
So when things change in the family, or perhaps it is safe for them to decide to change because their parents are now not able to exert their opinions on them anymore they might lash out a little, telling everyone that their childish nickname is no longer acceptable and that they don’t want to be ‘hen pecked’ and knocked down every time they get together. Its time for them to stand up and make a change that reflects their new middle-aged identity. They shed the skin of the young kid who was always looked after by mum and dad and never let out to do the things their older brothers and sisters were allowed to do.
Perhaps for them, they have found a relationship that in some ways emulates this. They might look for someone who looks after them, and parents them. For the baby of the family, this is a midlife point of change. A crisis? Not really, but an un-masking? yes. An unmasking of the identity that was bestowed on them by others that perhaps they chose to accept because it got them the attention and what they wanted whilst they were young but didn’t help them in the big wide world.
Has this happened to you?
Guy.
If you feel this article has helped you, please donate to help me keep this site alive for others. Thank you.
Filed under: Mid-Life Crisis
[...] We are THAT Family wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptThe baby of the family might get fed up with everyone else telling them what to do or how to do it or what to avoid. Perhaps the feeling that they are being considered un-able to look after themselves is still part of the label they … [...]
[...] Lyndon wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptThe baby of the family might get fed up with everyone else telling them what to do or how to do it or what to avoid. Perhaps the feeling that they are being considered un-able to look after themselves is still part of the label they … [...]
Wow! This is what I’m going through and it’s really difficult. Not only do I need to make emotional changes being the youngest, but I have to become more financially responsible. I ‘ve always had my parents to bail me out when I max out my credit cards. I just got back into counseling and I am determined to make big changes in my life now.
Hi Myra, thanks for commenting. Its significant the support we get from parents, it seems to me it is so easy to fall back on that. My parents never bailed me out yet still in a very subtle way I sometimes find myself looking to them to solve things for me, even though I know my life bears no resemblance to their own life’s experiences.
Perhaps just being there for us is the best they can do for us, being there when they are still with us to help us stand on our own two feet.
I know of a lady who’s parents decided she was hopeless academically and chose to buy her a shop and manage it for her. For many years she continued to live under their shadow and effectively was denied important development lessons as a young adult as a result.
Yet our parents only try to do their best. They know not what the impact can be of their actions sometimes.
Best wishes
Guy