Manipulation Turns Into Control Turns Into Narcissism

Posted on April 15th, 2008 by Guy Lewis

Hypochondria, Manipulation & Control Turn Into Narcissism

Right now I feel I have too much needyness around me. I’m starting to see individuals as controlling, needy, selfish creatures who are just feeding their own anxiety and lack of self-esteem by hanging off of the back of others.

Recently a friend of my partner came to visit. During the time she was here it was clear that things were not right for her and that she may be loosing touch with reality. Her background was with an abusive father who was alcoholic and violent to her mother. Her mother’s only way to survive was to become permanently ill with anything she could find wrong or potentially wrong with her. Subconsciously she also found that she felt more comfortable being ill because people cared for her more then. So she became hypochondriatic and spent her days worrying about a new spot on her leg or tummy pains etc etc etc.

Moving on to the present, my partner’s friend was just coming off of depression drugs and had chosen to separate from her husband and move out of the family home with the kids. She was now in and out of the hospital accident unit so often they knew her well and on many occasions could not find anything wrong with her. Then her eldest daughter started to regularly feel ill. So it comes again that although mental illness is not infectious through the air we breathe, our minds can eventually transfer the illness to our children. We do this by immersing them in our lives and transferring our way of seeing the world into their eyes.

I too feel this. My father is quite a worrier and finds is easy to catasptrophize over most things. He is very cautious and this had me frustrated many times when I was younger as I felt split between wanting to have adventures yet not having the support or feeling confident enough to achieve them.

My partner’s friend would delay us going out for the day, would shorten a night out or would wait for us to turn up after waiting for her to call to confirm, and then tell us she was ill and couldn’t make it. All signs of someone who wanted others to be around her to support her and help her. This is blatant control for which she needed therapy. My partner sat with her one night and spoke to her about it. She said she was worried about her behaviour since it wasn’t normal. The excessive spending, the excessive makeup, the hiding away and of course the continual list of ailments and injuries.

She cried and accepted she needed help. Later whist she was in the area we realised that she was avoiding my partner and got to work out that she was angry and resentful that she had been confronted. When she was feeling ill the rest of the family would pop out somewhere which made her more resentful that we were not all sitting by with her. Again, this was a clear sign of control and an attempt to manipulate us to support and comfort us.

I see this same behaviour in children, writing letters when they are angry because they know that a sweet letter to a parent will make the parent listen and feel sorry for them. When children want to avoid telling their parents why they are upset for whatever reason the often concoct a story and point the finger at something or someone else. When they are vulnerable they wont leave you alone. Much like my partner’s friend, vulnerable children need to control and manipulate their parents to feel sorry for them and support them so they feel comforted and secure. Children learn well what ways work with their parents, using “my tummy hurts” and pretending to cry to trigger the maternal or paternal emotions within us.

But one day the children will have to grow up and learn that manipulation and control are not the ways to engage the world around them. These are the ways of a narcissistic personality, always looking to feed off of other people, to engage them and control them, to get them to do what they want them to do so that they can feel less anxious and loved, for the few minutes that it works, but demanding more and more for eternity.

My partner’s friend mailed her and told her she was wrong and she did not need counselling. She attacked her, and her sister who were both there to support her. She has rejected them because she was angry at them at confronting her with the truth of her situation. When someone has something deep in their subconscious it is hard for them to accept it when it is raised to early in a psychotherapy process. Perhaps this is what has happened here, too early was she confronted with the truth. She is now angry and is attacking and rejecting those that were, and have been there to support her. She is pointing the finger at her sister and describing her imperfections (fortunate for me she doesn’t know mine).

But life does move on, and to hold on to someone who doesn’t want to be supported is like leading a horse to water and then watching that horse just look to the sky. There are many people in this world that are not well. It is only those who can seek out the support they need, either by themselves, or through the support of others, who will turn their lives around and make a happy ending for all. For me, time is too short to be spending it on those that can not take the support from two qualified people to do what is needed to make that change in their lives.

Have you got any advice you would like to share about your situation? Post a comment below.

Guy

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