The Ageing Identity

Posted on January 8th, 2008 by Guy Lewis

The Ageing Identity

In this article I write about your identity in the context of a midlife crisis. Quite simply, a midlife crisis more often then not, is about how what ever has happened or is not happening for you and how that doesn’t fit with what you want for you. Many times this is about things that are going on that you feel are not in control of and how it effects how you would like to see yourself or how you wish that things could be different for you. Sounds like a mouthful, but that is part of the complication of what is going on for some that makes it hard to put a finger on it and work out how to deal with it. So, for example, an individual could be thinking all this at once. No wonder a midlife crisis is a hard time to deal with.

Loss of a close relative makes you wonder about how long you have left,
Physical signs of aging, age lines as well as lack of ability to do the sports you love anymore depresses you and makes you wonder about dieting but it feels impossible with your lifestyle,
Becoming less attractive to your partner as they age dulls your relationship,
Looking at younger people and wishing you could mix with them makes you feel like a dirty old man / woman,
Finding a lack of passion your family life inspires you to avoid it all together by working late and spending more time at the bar,
Conflicting demands of work and home meaning there is little time for you to do what you would like to do, if you even knew what that was,
Flirting and fantasising about meeting other people gives you a kick of excitement you haven’t felt for years about anybody and gives your self esteem a boost,
Paying bills and making the boss happy feel like your only goals in life,
Thinking back to your younger days and wishing to have some of it back inspires you to go and look at sport scars as they drive past,
Regretting that opportunity 15 years ago that would have changed your life considerably for the better,
Fighting to avoid blaming your partner & family on your missed opportunities

As you get to midlife you may find that you are reflecting on your life, missed opportunities & perhaps what you would have expected to have achieved by now. You may also be thinking about how you are starting to age and are having to address that you are looking older. Some try to cover up, well, perhaps most of us do to some degree but others really try to cover up buy wearing clothes that were destined for a younger generation, dying hair to an unnatural colour for example.

Others might reluctantly feel they need to start to dress to match what they feel is right for a person of their age.

What you are trying to do is adapt as much as you can to the change in your physical identity plus also consider the changes to your personality whilst struggling to remember & retain what is the core of you.

Added onto this, as discussed in the What Is A midlife Crisis? Article there comes some trauma that affects you even more and pushes you towards some thinking in a fundamental way. For example, a lost close one can push you towards feeling that death is closing in on you.

Maybe you feel great, and want to continue to prove to the world that you are as functional as you were ten or twenty years ago. Maybe you are trying to kid yourself, or trying to prove to yourself, as well as others that you are far from being over the hill. So maybe you get a sports car next time you buy a car, maybe you remember the great days you had on your motorcycle and so go off to purchase one. Maybe you go for a few cosmetic alterations or even get a kick by flirting with a younger woman or man.

All these events makes its mark, tells you that you are out of control and that there is no way to avoid the ultimate demise of your physical being. Morbid as that sounds I am trying to explain the depth of feeling that can come over some of us at least some of the time.

On a daily basis as you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, as you walk to your work and mix with others of various ages your own view of your identity begins to be questioned. Are you really now a fattening middle-aged person? Can you run like you could when you were younger? Can you play the sports you used to love still? How does it feel to get extra tests by your doctor on a regular basis now you are over a critical age?

This is all about trying to take control of your identity. Waking up one morning and finding you are above the average age of your workplace means that you have to readjust how you see yourself. That’s probably going to be an uncomfortable transition. Being seen as a middle aged family guy or girl just isnt the same as the free and easy dynamic professional who lived from one shopping spree or adventure holiday to another.

An affair resulting in full infidelity happening for the first time at middle age is a sign of someone who is out of control with what is happening to them. It is a sign that the individual is unable to cope with the responsibility of being trusted by those close to them but is more addicted to the excitement and ego lifting feeling of a new relationship. This outweighs any responsibility the person has for others. Since there can be a very complicated range of thoughts and feelings going on for the person, as described above, it is not surprising sometimes that some fall to having affairs and become serial adulterers. Perhaps as their own relationship dulls they find that a good excuse to carry on with their infidelity, justifying it with the actions of others. However some will find a new relationship wakes them up from years of sadness, even abuse within a relationship. Perhaps they had not the confidence before to escape the situation, fearing the effect on children and heroically putting this above their own needs.

So the challenge is to keep in touch with who you really are whilst accepting changes are inevitable. We need to find time to rediscover what it is to be ourselves, that part of our personality that although maybe mellowing, is still part of us whatever age we are. Loosing that is really loosing yourself and loosing the battle to stay mentally healthy.

Perhaps there is a way for you to review what it is to be you, what is the essence of you, irrespective of what age you are. What are you passionate about? What do you enjoy doing, what silly things do you do that make people that know you well remember you from the crowd? Can you take a break? Go on holiday for a few days if not a couple of weeks to get a full break. Spending time alone for that long will give you a lot of time to remember who you are. Perhaps this will be the first time for a very long time that you have had time away from practical as well as emotional responsibilities. I can assure you that taking yourself properly away from these responsibilities (so turn the phone off otherwise you will waste your chance!) will enable you to feel what is different, feel what is taking you away from yourself, feel what is pressuring you so that you can make a choice when you return about what needs to change.

What have you done with your life that got you to where you are now? Surely that is a more positive way to view your life than think of the regrets and missed opportunities.

You might like to take this opportunity to think about things you’ve never achieved, or never even considered doing before, maybe uncovering a new passion that may make your life today and in the future a more rewarding one than you might have been able to imagine. I have heard of a highly paid professional who left his career behind him to start up a scuba diving school. For his family the need to adapt to the changes in finances hit them hard at first. After a while, and with some compromise and adapting, seeing quality in life in other things than just money made the experience rewarding for all.

Define who you are and celebrate that as you move forward, making every year a new challenge and pushing yourself to look back and see that each year moved you forward achieving your goals.

Guy

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